No Halloween for You!

No Halloween for You!

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,28 October 2014

The Snap:

It’s time for our annual stabby rant against sexy Halloween costumes. Blah blahbiddi blah. We’ve been trying to work up the appropriate amount of angst at the variety of slutterific costume ideas for women and girls but we really just can’t take it anymore. If we have to open our door to slutty pizzas, hooker Bo Peeps, Frozen characters ready for Whores on Ice, or even goddam sexy Mutant Ninja Turtles, we are going to have a complete meltdown. In fact, if you or your children show up at our doors looking like ho-bags, you will get mini bottles of hand sanitizer and fliers for local counseling centers, while the decent candy will go to the trick-or-treaters who don’t want to make us wash our eyeballs with bleach. And now, we hear that there are sexy Ebola doctors and nurses? To this we say, NO HALLOWEEN FOR YOU!

The Download:

Rather than being that magical time of year when you can dress up and eat candy for dinner, Halloween has become yet another sign that this entire planet is doomed. Seriously, this is why we can’t have nice things. If we’re not slutting up ourselves or our children, we’re dressing like walking stereotypes or finding the most wildly inappropriate topical event to trivialize. Previous years included dead Russian sailors from the sunken submarine, Roy of Siegfried and Roy with a tiger mauling his chest and suicide bombers. This year we have Zombie Robin Williams and Ebola doctors and nurses.

People have even started dressing their pets all sexy for Halloween. Because if there’s a way to ruin the awesome goodness of dogs and cats, humans will find it, try it and then make it even worse.

In light of the fact that humans ruin everything, Halloween is canceled. Everyone stay home staring at the shit-ton of candy you bought and think about what you’ve done. No, you’re not allowed to eat any of it. Except for the lame and horrible stuff like raisins, malted milk balls, and good-n-plenty’s. And for crap sake, get your act together before Thanksgiving or so help us, we will cancel that one too. Although maybe that would make Wal-Mart and other asshat corporations happy because they won’t have any namby-pamby, liberal media whiners complaining about making people leave their families at the Thanksgiving table so that Black Friday shopping can start early.

So in conclusion, stop being such a douchebaggy pack of creeps or we’re revoking all your holidays. Go back to dressing yourselves and your children in lovable, dorky, scratchy costumes where the eye holes are never quite right so you just end up stumbling in the dark, holding your pillow case up to house after house, leaving the owners blissfully untarnished by the sight of your former wildly inappropriate costumes.


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Hat Tips:

The AtlanticHouston ChronicleTodayBuzzfeedPopSugarHuffington PostTime, Image Credit: Flickr

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