When I Am Queen of Everything: Righting the Bill of Wrongs

When I Am Queen of Everything: Righting the Bill of Wrongs

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,14 October 2014

The Snap:

When re-reading the Bill of Rights we were startled to discover the following in invisible ink next to the 1st and 2nd Amendments, respectively: “one example of freedom of speech is pervy asshats taking pics of the crotches of unsuspecting women” and “bearing arms totes includes assault weapons, self-propelled artillery, rocket-propelled grenade launchers, and whatever firepower our idiot descendants dream up.” That’s right, ladies and people who may be reluctant to encounter heavily armed open-carry supporters while buying delicious burritos: much like people who want to avoid being raped, you should just stay home. Otherwise you’re pretty much asking for it when you’re upskirted or accidentally shot.

The Download:

First up in terms of things that have recently got my goat is the protection of the jackals of jackassery to express their freedom of speech by taking unsolicited and unauthorized photos of ladies’ nether regions when we’re in public spaces like the National Parks. In Texas and D.C., oppressed perverts are now given the voice they so desperately needed by our judicial system. Because clearly any woman who ever wears a skirt or a dress is consenting to crotch-shots.

When I Am Queen of Everything and a sicko exercises his purported Constitutionally-protected right to upskirt, notifications will be sent to his mother, spouse/girlfriend, children, boss, pastor/priest/minister/rabbi/imam/cult leader, and 1st grade teacher. A second offense will lead to several women’s soccer teams lining up to kick the perpetrator in his junk. Three or more offenses will result in the word “ASSHAT” being tattooed on his forehead and he will be legally prohibited from ever owning or operating a phone, camera, tablet, or computer.

Granted, some of our founding fathers were into some pretty sick stuff so maybe this is really what they had in mind when drafting the Bill of Rights. And maybe they foresaw a future where every citizen should be armed to the teeth and allowed to shoot any unarmed person listening to loud music or purchasing fuel at the gas station.

Or perhaps we could stop acting like our founding fathers were morons who wanted us to perennially form roaming militias to exercise justice however we see fit or have our rights to voyeurism upheld over someone else’s right to not have a crazy stranger snatch a picture of her snatch. Maybe we could recognize that women have the right to do with our bodies whatever we choose, even if it’s to not be the subject of pornography or sexual assault.


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Hat Tips:

CosmopolitanWJLAKHOUBoston Globe, Image Credit: Flickr

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