RBG and The Supremes

RBG and The Supremes

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,6 October 2014

The Snap:

Are you ready for some SCOTUS?!?! Sadly there are relatively few people who get as excited about the start of a new Supreme Court session as those who willingly spend what amounts to years of their lives watching professional sports. What SCOTUS really needs is a better marketing department. Something similar to the wunderkinds with the NFL where a player can sexually assault someone on the way to his court hearing for murder the day after he’s caught teaching preschoolers how to cook meth and still end up not serving one day in prison. Granted, SCOTUS is nowhere near as negatively viewed as Congress, but we’ve got some ideas on how the Fine Nine can up their game.

The Download:

We took an informal poll of people we saw at the bar a few weeks ago and no one could name a single Justice. The closest we got was “that lady with the doily around her neck and the guy who looks like his name should be Vito.” If the respondent was at least 35 years old, he or she might have remembered something about Clarence Thomas’ pubes and caffeinated beverages, but even those didn’t know that Thomas has been sitting on the bench for more than 20 years. A somewhat more formalized poll in 2012 found that 2/3 of the United States couldn’t name one single justice, 34 percent could name one, and only 1 percent could name all nine.

SCOTUS needs to do more to get their brand out there. They should treat the first Monday in October and various points of their session like a combo Super Bowl, World Series, World Cup and Black Friday sale at Wal-Mart. Katy Perry should ride a float shaped like an enormous gavel to the steps of the courthouse and sing “Proud to Be An American” with the Zac Brown Band and a youth choir, while the Fine Nine follow behind the float in monster trucks, garbed in camo-style robes.

In fact, the moniker SCOTUS really isn’t doing them any favors; it sounds like a scrotum in the shape of a lotus. That’s why we’re suggesting SCOTUS start referring to themselves as the Fine Nine. Or RBG and The Supremes though Diana Ross may try to sue them and she looks pretty cray cray lately so maybe stick with The Fine Nine. Clearly, RBG is the superstar while the rest are backup singers — except for Scalia who clearly is a mafia version of Jaba the Hutt. If RBG was Jem of Jem and the Holograms, Scalia would be the lead singer of the Misfits. Or the evil mutant who ate the lead singer of the Misfits.

Other ideas to make SCOTUS more popular include a reality show where each justice has to come up with their own line of clothing while trapped on a deserted island, swapping Supreme Court hearings for cage matches, and replacing the entire court with a basket of baby sloths, tiny kittens and playful puppies. Because apparently Americans can’t be interested in a group of nine people, who they never elected, who will retain their jobs until they die or retire, and hold near absolute power over the law of the land.


Take Action!

Hat Tips:

PBSNPRSCOTUS blogNBC NewsSupreme Court of the United StatesNew York TimesJezebelPew Research Center, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Subscribe to get updates delivered to your inbox