Matt HealeyMonday,29 September 2014

The Snap:

I just read this post by my favorite Snap Download author. Keep in mind the list of Snap Download authors includes myself. If a friend said they only had time to read one author I would recommend Adrienne Boettinger over me.

The Download:

The post was about the well-meaning ass hats who feel the need to insert themselves into our personal dating/marital/parental decisions. While I am married, we have decided not to have kids so we get a similar rash of probing questions and advice. The ass hats feel the need to say things like “Don’t worry; you will change your mind.” To which I’ve always wanted to reply, “Fuck you asshole, I am worried I will change my mind because my life without kids is fucking awesome and I see the bullshit that ass hats like you have to go through with your little brats and it looks like a living fucking hell,” but apparently that is not a socially appropriate response. So, I have now taken to answering the kid questions as follows: “We can’t have kids [pause], they annoy us.” It tends to shut down the conversation pretty quickly, which is the goal. But I digress, the main point of this post was to re-introduce the “What would Ari do” series to see if I can provide a response to exactly the type of people the Queen of Everything has to endure. Your majesty, please feel free refer any of these people directly to me or to this post. So without further delay – the Ari response to these people:

Really! Why the fuck right do you think you have to stick your fucking “well meaning” nose into my dating life? Did I ask for your help? Because I don’t remember asking you a god damn thing. You know absolutely nothing about my situation. Just because I occasionally see you at a BBQ or a picnic doesn’t mean you know anything about me. I’ll make you a fucking deal, if I need your help, I’ll call you. Just wait by the phone – trust me when I need your help I will call. And why exactly did you think this was a good time to discuss this? I mean because cornering me and discussing my dating life at a picnic is a great idea. And before you reply that it is the only time I see you, then ask yourself this – is there maybe a reason for that? Like, I think you are a fucking ass hat and that is the reason we are not that close? So do me and every other thinking person a favor and shut the fuck up about personal topics with people you barely know.

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