Let’s Play: Avoid Getting Raped!

Let’s Play: Avoid Getting Raped!

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,29 September 2014

The Snap:

It’s tough to know how to avoid getting raped these days. Going to college seems to be a terrible idea. So does drinking, working in a prison, sleeping, walking alone, getting pulled over, being in the military, taking the bus, or being a high school student who is not a star athlete. We’ve tried explaining rape in an idiot-proof manner but that apparently isn’t working so TSD is bringing you a fun game where if you follow all the rules, you’ll win by not being raped!

The Download:

Ok, boys and girls, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game, Avoid Getting Raped! Second only to the game, Pin the Blame on the Victim, Avoid Getting Raped is the hot new party game sweeping the nation.

The rules are simple:

1. Don’t wear anything more revealing than a large drop cloth. Actually, let’s change that to a large cardboard box covering your entire body. A drop cloth or anything else made out of cloth could cling to your sexy outline of a body and then you would be practically screaming, “Rape me!” to every would-be assailant.

2. Don’t ingest substances that could impair your judgment. We’re not just talking about alcohol or illegal narcotics. Avoid aspirin, caffeine, fried foods, turkey, sugar, allergy medicine…okay it will just be easier to say what you can eat and drink. Only drink filtered water and eat iceberg lettuce. Hmmm…then you may be too hungry and faint and make bad choices. Okay, limit your intake to water, white rice, bland protein, and leafy green vegetables.

3. Don’t talk to anyone. You can’t possibly guarantee that every person on earth won’t misunderstand something you say to equate to consent for sexual intercourse. We thought “no” was pretty obvious but Mr. Limbaugh has so successfully argued that sometimes “no” really does mean “oh, baby, right now!” that it’s probably safest just never to talk to anyone.

4. Don’t look at anyone. You may blink when you look at them since most humans blink every four seconds. If you blink at someone, they may think it’s a wink which obviously means, “Let’s quickly have some vigorous and consensual sex!” Or you may raise your eyebrow at them in a questioning manner as if to say “should we have sex now or in 10 minutes?” In fact, you probably should just…

5. Never leave your house. Ever. That way when you dress all slutty you won’t tempt any would-be rapists, who without your slutty attire would be faithful people with solid family values.  And you won’t be able to pretend not to seduce them with your blinky eyes or sugar-high-induced euphoria or your misinterpreted words.


Here’s a radical idea: instead of telling every would-be victim how they can avoid being a victim, why don’t we focus our energies on getting rapists to, you know, stop raping people? Nah! That’s totes crazy, “outside the box” thinking that would be impossible to enact. It’s just easier for everyone to isolate themselves entirely. Problem solved. Boom.



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Hat Tips:

WGN TVSlateCNNIndy StarThe AlligatorNews 9Stars and StripesWashington PostNew York Magazine, Image Credit: Flickr

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