Crap That Shouldn’t be Dangerous But Is

Crap That Shouldn’t be Dangerous But Is

Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,3 September 2014

The Snap:

We’ve almost had our Interwebz privileges revoked after googling our dogs’ symptoms and then having panic attacks. Plus, there was that time we diagnosed ourselves with malaria via WebMD. But here at The Snap Download, we’re never truly happy unless we’re bringing stories of new and terrifying things that will scar our plucky band of dedicated readers emotionally or physically. So put on your tinfoil hats and hazmat suits and let’s learn about crap you previously thought of as harmless and how it wants to kill you.

The Download:

We have loads of anxieties at TSD. We are anxious about the fact that we are so damn anxious as that definitely can’t be good for us. So learning about dangers associated with the following things had us hyperventilating into paper bags for hours.

1. Flaming cheese of doom. Cheese shouldn’t catch on fire. Let’s all agree on that one right away. There is nothing about breaking open a fine wheel of Gouda or camembert that could be improved by spontaneous combustion. So don’t go to Norway, where the goat cheese will not only catch on fire but close a tunnel for days on end.

2. Your children can turn anything into an endless cycle of disease. Kids are wonderful, creative, unsullied creatures. You could say that children are our future; teach them well and let them lead the way. Just don’t let them come up with insane games involving rubbing erasers across their arms while coming up with words for each letter in the alphabet. Yes, we have been drinking but this actually is a thing. The kids’ arms get all red and some break the skin and then share each other’s erasers giving all of these little brainiacs a lesson in contagious diseases.

3. Even our cosmetics are turning against us. It’s hard enough to be a woman these days without our damn makeup introducing dangerous bacteria into our eye sockets. Our mothers weren’t kidding when they told us to throw out mascara after a few months. Apparently, the shit can get riddled with grimy little microbes that turn your eyes into cesspools of filth. Just deal with the fact that your lashes are so puny that your eyelids look bald. It’s better than the alternative.

4. Geese are fucking psychotic. We’re going to toot our own horns as we’ve been warning people forever about how geese are the most terrifying animals on the planet. When I lived in Bethesda, I was chased by a mother goose every damn morning on my way to the Metro. She’d hiss and flap her scary wings to keep me away from her babies. It was terrifying. But apparently that’s nothing compared to a tourist in China who was nearly killed by a flock of bloodthirsty geese. Best part of the story: though the locals helped saved his ass, they admitted knowing the geese were homicidal and said they should have put up signs to warn non-locals, but they couldn’t resist watching those poor, ignorant bastards. Hilarious!

There’s also this big-ass, goofy looking snail that gives you meningitis and, if you’re moronic enough to eat cotton balls to lose weight, then you deserve to ingest bleach and chemicals since most “cotton balls” ain’t clean, organic cotton (which you shouldn’t eat anyway, dumbasses).  But it’s getting close to our bedtime and we don’t want to have nightmares of enormous snails riding the backs of maniacal geese, hell-bent on feeding us flaming cheese and chemical-y non-cotton balls. Stay safe out there, kids. It’s a dangerous world.

 

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Hat Tips:

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