I Loathe Lucy

I Loathe Lucy

Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,30 July 2014

The Snap

I hate Lucy. Or rather, I LOVE I Love Lucy but I LOATHE Lucy, the recently released flick where Scarlett Johansson shows you can be pretty or smart, but not both because that will lead to everyone around you being gruesomely murdered and you being turned into a flash drive. Or melting into a black hole or something. I’m not entirely sure what happened as I was wicked jet lagged and kept thinking I was trapped in a nightmare. How could there be a movie this bad involving Morgan Freeman and why did I watch it? As I read movie reviewers actually praising the film I wonder if I’m a shallow moron who can’t understand the depths of this movie or if it was just craptastic.

The Download

To understand my perspective on Lucy, films I like include Old School, The Philadelphia Story, Steel Magnolias, Real Genius, Swingers, Muppets Take Manhattan, and Top Gun.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, I cringe at Barton Fink, Daredevil, Valentine’s Day, Titanic, Pearl Harbor, and Alfie (2004). There’s no pattern I can discern other than I like movies that are good and don’t like movies that are bad.

If you didn’t realize it from the intro, my critique of Lucy is chock-full-o-spoilers. Here’s the basic plot: Lucy gets mixed up with some bad people in Taiwan, they put bags of drugs that look like turquoise rock candy in her stomach, the bag breaks and her brain becomes uber powerful so she can control people. Sounds cool but watching her walk slowly toward her enemies while they just fly up to the ceiling and flail around is pretty hilarious and technically the movie isn’t supposed to be a comedy. In between, there are all these clips of animals doing it. It’s like Weird Science meets Wild Kingdom.

Anyways, Lucy doesn’t know what’s going on or what she should do with it so she calls Morgan Freeman, which I think we can all agree was a really solid choice. So Morgan Freeman is all like, “Look, your brain is gonna implode. Tell us everything you know to stop those evil bastards and save the world and stuff before you croak.” And Scarlett Johansson is all like, “Sure, whatever. I can’t wait until I melt and have no more feet or body so I can get out of these ridiculous shoes.” Then there’s a French cop who she makes out with before the guys chasing her wipe out the entire French police force. Finally, she turns into a computer and then into a sparkly flash drive that Morgan Freeman takes.

There’s probably a moral or something like, “Just Say No” or “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” or “Humans are the Worst.” In the end, I can’t decide if Lucy was a cry for help from a desperate-to-retire Morgan Freeman or some sort of prank by Hollywood to see if people would actually sit through the whole thing.

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Hat Tips:

Rotten TomatoesNPRRogerEbert.comIMDb, Image Credit: Flickr (converted to black & white)

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