Hummingbirds Are Assholes

Hummingbirds Are Assholes

Adrienne BoettingerWednesday,16 July 2014

The Snap:

Anyone who has ever watched an adorable little toddler reach over and bite her sister on the head can tell you that just because something is cute it doesn’t mean it still can’t mess you up. Deep within us we seem compelled to associate something’s cuteness with its general niceness and adorability.  Maybe that’s why the hearts of way too many Internet users went pitter pat at the sight of an extremely attractive felon’s mugshot. This doesn’t just apply to humans; we ooooh and aaaah over a variety of baby or other very teeny, sweet looking animals while ignoring the dangers that lie within. So scoff if you must, but next time someone talks about having gorgeous tiny hummingbirds visit their birdfeeder, just remember hummingbirds are assholes.

The Download:

Hummingbirds are sadistic little bastards. Sure, they’re all beautiful and fly super-fast and can do all sorts of neat tricks but they are also constantly throwing down. They fight each other to dominate food sources. A hummingbird will stay near a flower all day long to prevent other hummingbirds from getting their food. They’ll dive-bomb and just beat the crap out of each other. Apparently there’s also some species of hummingbirds that are like Fantine in Les Miserables; in order to eat and get food for their babies, some female hummingbirds will turn tricks so that the overprotective, male hoarders will give them some damn food.

Now let’s talk about pandas. Aren’t they just the most precious thing ever in all the world? Every zoo on earth kisses China’s ass to get access to these cute little buggers to draw in crazyass crowds. Except, pandas have got us humans totally figured out. They know we will drive ourselves nuts to care for them and so they are laziest beings on the planet. Hell, they don’t even attempt to survive or reproduce; they know we’ll take care of everything for them. Pandas are pretty genius.

For those who have been fortunate enough to travel to the Monterey area in California, you’ve no doubt seen the so-cute-it-hurts sea otters. They float along on their backs and have the cutest little paws they use to open up shells. They’re reported to even hold hands when they sleep so they don’t float away from each other. All this would make them the most adorable animal in the history of time, if the male sea otters weren’t brutal rapists. Yep, that’s right. Not only do otters rape other otters but they’ve been known to rape equally-adorable harbor seal pups to death. It is truly horrifying.

Otters aren’t the only sexually violent miscreants of the cute animal kingdom. There is a species of penguin — the adelie — who are so depraved that a biologist’s account of them during an arctic exploration with Captain Scott was considered too disturbing to be published. The work was only published 100 years later and details include “hooligan” males copulating with dead females.

Should we take some consolation that humans aren’t the only group of violent, lazy maniacs? Probably not. But maybe the lesson that bears remembering is that things aren’t always what they seem, particularly when it comes to adorable, innocent-looking creatures.  Often those are the ones you have to watch out for the most.


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Hat Tips:

CBS NewsWAMU Animal HouseTimeBBC, Image Credit: Flickr

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