Our Morbid Obsession with Rob Ford: Misery Loves Company

Our Morbid Obsession with Rob Ford: Misery Loves Company

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,10 July 2014

The Snap:

Once upon a time, there was a magically frozen, northern land where the beer flowed like sweet nectar, random citizens were polite, hockey was king, and moose roamed the streets, wantonly destroying all in their paths. This was known as the mystical land of Canadia…seriously, why aren’t citizens of Canada called Canadans? Why do they give themselves a superfluous “i”? But I digress…So in this land there was a gigantic, toxic buffoon known as Rob Ford. When they were all hopped up on gallons of maple syrup, mild-mannered citizens of Toronto chose this meant-to-be-jester as their overlord. And in the process, we in the lower ’48 started feeling better about our shittastic politicians as at least they didn’t repeatedly get caught doing crack…or at least not most of them.

The Download:

Citizens of the lower 48 (formerly known as Americans amongst themselves, infuriating the bajillion other people living on the North and South American continents) like feeling that we’re #1! Even if it’s terms of state-sanctioned killings, obese toddlers, and per capita venereal disease totals, we simply won’t be outdone by anyone and certainly not by our more even-tempered, metric-system-using neighbors to the north.

That’s why when the 24-hour noose cycle started following Rob Ford like they were dogs and he was made out of bacon, Amuricans started thinking nostalgically of our many, storied politicians who could have partied with Rob Ford: Marion Barry of course, but also most representatives of that district in Illinois where they persistently elect felons convicted of rape and fraud, the latest idiot Congressman to be caught with coke, the loon South Carolinians reelected after his fictitious Appalachian trail, and that asshat from San Diego who is a misogynistic, sexual predatory lunatic.

None of these freaks can hold a candle to Rob Ford.

Caught on video smoking crack multiple times, pushing reporters, going into rehab, having a sobriety coach who kicks protestors at Ford’s press conferences, and mortifying his incredibly long-suffering wife; Rob Ford seems like he doesn’t even have to try to be a major, frightening  disappointment to all the poor saps he’s supposed to represent.

The thing is that if Rob Ford were an Amurican politician, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would be reelected. He’d claim to find Jesus or the love of his wife or a piece of toast with the image of the Virgin Mary. Then he’d issue a mock apology (eg: I’m sorry you’re so unrealistic as to expect your politicians to be less than perfect), cite his record of cutting all taxes and welfare services, deporting diseased baby immigrants, make some stump speeches with patriotic music in the background, and totally crush all his political opponents.

Hopefully, Canada will not be as big a bunch of dumbasses as Amurica is when it comes to remembering the actions of diabolically and chronically inept politicos. Initial polls indicate the recently rehabbed Ford is pretty far behind. But give him long enough so that our fruit-fly-attention-span-having selves can only remember how hilarious Ford was in conferences — just like the Jackass movies or the moron in blooper reels — and we’ll hoist his portly backside on our shoulders, march him down the streets and elect him king.


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Hat Tips:

Washington Post, Center for Disease Control, BuzzfeedNew York TimesTimeReutersChicago TribuneThe Glob e and MailThe StarToronto SunGawkerVanity FairGlobal News, Image Credit: Flickr

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