Rick Perry Uses Words

Rick Perry Uses Words

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,8 July 2014

The Snap:

Gather round, children, and listen to a story about a governor who would be president. He’s got the hair, smile and down home persona that screams electability. He’s even changed his accessories to seem more intellectual than like he’s about to do a two-step or attend a hangin’. And he’s got time on his side. You wouldn’t know it from the pundits’ incessant chattering about who is gearing up for 2016 but it is still 2014. The teeny problem this swaggering, conservative, deeply tanned man has is when he speaks. So, as Governor Richard Rick-the-Dick Perry steps up to occupy more of the 24-hour noose cycle, let’s watch him explore the English language. It’s like watching a chimp try to diaper a human baby. Except messier.

The Download:

Here at The Snap Download, we allow for a certain amount of flubbing. We’ve all been there in terms of saying something insanely embarrassing and we understand how with cameras constantly capturing every moment of your existence, you’re bound to sound like an idiot at least some of the time.

And then there’s Rick Perry.

Although he’s intensely proud of his Amurican-ness, he’s often in need of cue cards, a dictionary or a translator for his nonstop problems with English. So we give you the Dick-tion-Perry: an abbreviated guide for Perryisms.

1. Perryism: “Three.” Translation: Two. As in when he says he will name three of the federal agencies he’d abolish, he actually names two.

2. Perryism: “Gay.” Translation: “Alcoholism.” Governor Perry thinks that homosexuality is like alcoholism; a disease that can be overcome with constant treatment and 12-step programs.

3. Perryism: “I have to believe that when you do not respond in any way, that you are either inept, or you have some ulterior motive of which you are functioning from.” Translation: “Why won’t you call me?!?!” A line familiar to anyone watching a sitcom or rom-com describing the sad sack perennially waiting to hear from the person she/he hoped would be her/his suitor. Perry used this particular phrase to say how hurt his delicate feelings were when President Obama didn’t respond to Perry’s letter about a pending border crisis in 2012.

4. Perryism: “Be accepted in open arms.” Translation: “Become the largest group of unauthorized immigrants ever deported.” Explaining how President Obama is the most inept, or alternately diabolical, President in the history of the universe, Perry opined that this administration welcomes bazillions of unauthorized immigrants with open arms when at the end of his first term, Obama’s monthly average of deportations was 32,886 and Bush’s was 20,964.

5. Perryism:  “16th Century.” Translation: 18th Century. When discussing the American Revolutionary War that took place in the 1700s, Perry referred to it being the 16th Century, which technically would have been the 1500’s. Oops.

6. Perryism: “America.” Translation: Mexico. According to Perry, Juarez is the most dangerous city in America. If only Juarez weren’t in Mexico.

7. Perryism: “Every life matters.” Translation: Every life except for the hundreds executed under Perry’s rule; Rick Perry’s governorship of Texas has overseen more executions than any other governor in any other state. Ever.

 

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Hat Tips:

New York TimesThe New YorkerPoliticoBusiness InsiderPolitifactBuzzfeedForbes, Image Credit: Flickr



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