God Bless Real Amurica and No Place Else

God Bless Real Amurica and No Place Else

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,4 July 2014

The Snap:

We’re a-fixin’ to celebrate the grandest ole holiday in the history of all time: the star-spangled, 4th of July! This is a holiday that clearly should only apply to real Amuricans. You know who I mean; the god-fearing, hard-working, small-town living real Amuricans that we hear so much about in election season. During mid-term elections, politicians don’t have to pretend to care as much about the rest of the country and act like some soccer-loving, child of immigrants is a real Amurican. Right, Ms. Coulter? Those low-lifes running for higher office can call ‘em like they sees ‘em when it comes to who gets to call themselves real Amuricans and who doesn’t cuz they’re a bunch of hippie, pinko, liberals who like Muslims, yoga, lattes, Europe and social welfare.

The Download:

When someone starts talking about “real Americans,” my right eye starts to twitch. What in the name of all that is red-white-and-blue does “real Americans” mean?!? Other than a wrestling tag team made up of steroidally enhanced, man-types with handlebar mustaches and/or patriotic themed bikini shorts; who actually thinks there are categories of Americans, some realer than others?

Okay, so obviously Ann Coulter is one but she is a stone-cold lunatic so it’s pretty hard to take anything she says as being anything other than the rants of a sociopath. Sarah Palin was also a fan of “real Americans” and an opponent of fake Americans aka liberals. There were also quite a few other politicians who decided liberals hated real Americans and that in order to be considered a real American your family had to have been in the country since the Mayflower, but not be a Native American. You had to be a whiter shade of pale and love football, apple pie, country music, the Lord, and of course Lady Liberty — except for the part where she welcomed the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to be free.

The 4th of July used to be my favorite holiday. There were parades and fireworks, the whole family came over, we had steamed crabs and my dad made Maryland crab soup, kids ran around and we had cartons of sparklers that we could write our names with in the nighttime sky. It was a holiday for everyone, regardless of religion or race or their Amurican-ness.

So let’s take the holiday back from the asshats who think they are the judges and juries of who gets to consider themselves a part of the U.S.A. Let’s eat watermelon, get sunburned, sing patriotic tunes off-key and emphatically, and let’s light a sparkler or twenty in thanks for those who went before us and those who will come after. And in the words of Alderman Mays Gilliam in his final debate, “God bless America and everybody else!” 

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