Women Incorporated

Women Incorporated

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,1 July 2014

The Snap:

June 30th was a great day to be an American. Or at least a great day to be an American corporation. Because in a country where someone’s right to carry an automatic weapon in a Starbucks outweighs my right to not be shot when getting my damn coffee, 5 of the 6 penis-havers on the Supreme Court decided a for-profit corporation has more of a right to choose which laws it adheres to because of its “deeply held religious beliefs” than a woman has to choose what happens to her own body. The costs of the contraceptive devices in question are prohibitively expensive for many women who would choose to use them — whether to prevent an unwanted pregnancy or to follow the medical advice of people who actually graduated from medical school rather than the pro-penises in SCOTUS or for-profit corporations. So what’s the answer to this insanely f’d up problem? Let’s all become corporations!

The Download:

As we approach yet another Independence Day, women throughout the country are blessed to have a bunch of middle-aged and old men tell us how to live since all that estrogen clogs up our brains. Heaven knows what we would have done left to our own devices! We probably would have spent all our husbands’ hard-earned pay on handbags and curtains if we didn’t have the penised part of the population to do our thinking for us.

For all those who see SCOTUS’ ruling in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby as narrowly defined, think again, asshats. There’s nothing in this majority opinion to reign in further insanity. Some may say, “Calm down, you hyperventilating female! It’s only a few, small companies that get the go ahead and it’s only for 4 types of contraception.” Wrong on both accounts, asshats.

The 5 penis-having Justices ruled that size doesn’t matter. All that matters is if the for-profit corporation is “closely held.” Since that applies to many corporations (like Cargill, Dell, Heinz, Koch Brothers, Publix, Hilton, Toys R Us, etc.) that actually means a lot of corporations can come between a woman and her doctor when it comes to matters that concern her health.

Also, the majority did nothing that would limit this statutory ruling to “just” 4 types of birth control. As my personal nomination for Empress of Everything , Ruth Badass Bader Ginsburg, so brilliantly put in her wondrous dissent, “Would the exemption…extend to employers with religiously grounded objections to blood transfusions (Jehovah’s Witnesses); antidepressants (Scientologists); medications derived from pigs, including anesthesia, intravenous fluids, and pills coated with gelatin (certain Muslims, Jews, and Hindus); and vaccinations?…Not much help there for the lower courts bound by today’s decision.” That’s why Ginsburg declared the majority decision a “minefield.”

The answer to all this cray-cray is clear. In the eyes of SCOTUS, a disturbing amount of Congress, and former candidates for the White House, corporations are endowed with rights that supersede those of humans (or at least those of the female variety). The only way we will stop getting screwed is to form Women Incorporated. The religion we adhere to believes in gender/racial/sexual orientation/age/religious/socio-economic equality. That means someone can’t get paid more than someone else because that second person has a vagina. It also means that no religion can trump another person’s human and civil rights. And that if you’re going to pretend that children are so damn important, paid maternity/paternity leave is mandatory.

And also, we get to smite people who are complete asshats.


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Hat Tips:

PoliticoNew York TimesCNNNPRWashington PostThe WireThe Atlantic, Image Credit: Flickr

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