This Is When You Know You’re Old

This Is When You Know You’re Old

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,24 June 2014

The Snap:

Looking at all the teens and tweens sobbing next to me in the movie theater this past weekend, it struck me — at some point I had reached the age I used to think was old when I was their age. For the life of me, I have no clue when this happened. I could no longer identify with the earnest and soul-crushing angst that dominated all tween/teen waking moments. It just made me tired seeing how overwrought with emotion these girls were. Granted, we were watching “The Fault in Our Stars,” which is unbelievably tragic. I won’t give you all the deets but given the premise is two teenagers with cancer falling in love, you know chances are slim for a happily ever after. So you can see why the teen/tween crowd would be awash in a sea of estrogen and tears.

The Download:

Given the startling nature of the realization of my rapid spinsterhood, I wanted to go back and identify the warning signs to see if there was anything I could have done to prepare myself.  This list may help others recognize “time is marching on and sooner or later you realize it’s marching across your face.” BONUS: if you know what movie that quote comes from, you’re either old or have excellent taste.

1. You can tell when it’s going to rain because your ankle/knee/hip aches. When your aches and pains correlate to barometric pressure, your AARP card isn’t far away.

2. The heroes/heroines in movies are no longer the hot ones; the parents/uncles/aunts are the hot ones. Another sign is that you feel weird ogling the hero/heroine after you determine they’re half your age.

3. Loud and/or moronic behavior from teens irritates the bejeezus out of you to the point where you find yourself muttering about “kids these days.”

4. Using the phrase “kids these days.”

5. The crap you liked when you were a kid is back in style but all f’d up. Smurfs, My Li’l Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, or any kind of reunion show or similar insanity like the behind the scenes, unauthorized “Saved By The Bell” monstrosity Lifetime is producing. I should probably book some extra time with my therapist now as that show will probably have me curled up in the fetal position.

6. Your friends stop telling you that you’ll meet your soulmate/sane and non-threatening person to date soon. This one only applies to old singletons who remember how when you first started working and all your friends got hitched, at least one would consistently assure you of your impending meeting of your future partner. Have you noticed that they’ve stopped saying that? Ouch!

7. Pretty much everyone under the age of 25 automatically m’am’s or sir’s you.

8. You feel nostalgic for technology two or more generations prior and/or you can have a conversation without reaching for your smartphone.

9. The thought of going out on a work night makes you reach for your jammies and the remote.

10. Music that was popular in your tweens, teens and/or twenties is now categorized as oldies or easy listening.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do once these warning signs start popping up. The positive side is that you’re still around and kicking to realize how much it hurts your hip when you kick. The days are long, but the years are short. Make ‘em count.


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Hat Tips:

WebMDBuzzFeed, Image Credit: Flickr

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