When I Am Queen of Everything: The Closer

When I Am Queen of Everything: The Closer

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,17 June 2014

The Snap

This may surprise some readers but we are etiquette and evasion experts here at The Snap Download. We’ve already helped thousands with office manners, awkward situations, and rules for wedding havers and goers. We’ve been asking ourselves how can we continue to help the people (and simultaneously ditch our bureaucratic day jobs) and we have the answer.  The future Queen of Everything will help end events whilst obeying all etiquette edicts. I will rescue you and yours from a variety of situations. I will be The Closer.

The Download

The idea for this career path was born at a funeral home. Two friends and I were talking about how the funeral home staff would kick us out since we were way beyond our designated mourning time. I offered up the “last call” from a club in San Jose, Costa Rica. Rife with cheesy asshats, douchey tourists and men who asked if they could call you Mommy, this joint was terrible but had the best last call in the history of the world. It was Vincent Price’s laugh at the end of Thriller. All conversation would stop, the lights would come on and the staff would shut it down.  That definitely would have hastened us mourners out the door but may have been a little gauche. Here’s what The Closer would do:

1. Woeful Wakes: First I would send in somewhat stern-faced sympathizers who would discreetly ask if there was anything else the family needed before the home closed. The sympathizers would gather people’s coats and bags to subtly signal it’s time to be outy 5000. Failing that, we’d shut the coffin lid in a dignified manner and take down the flower arrangements. Then we’d turn out the lights, clear our throats in a very sensitive way as if to say, “We’re so sorry for your loss. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”

2. Pitiful Parties: You’re at a snoozefest of a party, trapped in an awfulsauce conversation with an idiot. Your friends have ignored your “rescue me” signals of tugging on your earlobes, falling down, etc. Fear not for I’ll call your cellphone immediately with a highly plausible excuse like your neighbor was calling to say you left your pet sheep outside, or the voices in your head were calling because they really wanted some jelly beans, or you had to enter the witness relocation program. Problem solved.

3. Disastrous Dates: Sadly I’m an expert at surviving disturbing dates with no physical and only minimal emotional scars. Press an emergency button and my team of professionals will spring into action, pretend to be your long-lost love from high school or your evil twin and whisk you away to safety.

4. Forgettable Faces: You’re out running errands and run into someone who obviously knows who you are but you can’t say the same. If he or she is hot, fun and/or rich, my staff will rush to your side, pretend to be your cousin, give the unknown entity his or her name and ask repeatedly for the stranger’s name so you can pretend you knew it all along. Meanwhile, we’ll research the person’s history and how you know them — information we’ll relay to you via a hidden earpiece. If he or she is a complete freakshow, we’ll swoop in, pretend we know the freakshow and draw them into a long and painful discussion so you can flee the scene.

 

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Hat Tips:

Real SimpleVincent Price, Image Credit: Flickr



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