When I Am Queen of Everything: Caging the Raging

When I Am Queen of Everything: Caging the Raging

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,6 June 2014

The Snap:

On average, people spend eleventy gajillion hours at work. At least that’s what it feels like most days. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that on average, Americans spend 7.7 hours per day at work.  What that number doesn’t reflect is the alarming about of people working 41+ hours per week; in a 2012 Lifehacker poll, 37% of respondents said they worked 41-50 hours and 20% said they worked 51-60 hours. With all that time spent in those tiny little cubes next to people who heat up fish in the microwave and use office supplies to clean their ears, it’s no wonder people lose it in the office. But how can we effectively deal with all that emotion? Never fear, there will be a new sheriff in town When I Am Queen of Everything.

The Download:

I’m pretty sure my office is a psychological experiment led by a sadistic bunch of clinicians who want to see how much frustration human beings can handle without losing their last, fleeting grip on sanity. And sad to say, they are winning. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t think of punching someone in the throat, stapling something to an idiot’s head, or even stabbing myself in the thigh with a pen so I can leave a meeting early.

And I’m not alone. A really scary 2006 poll indicated that 64% of Britons working in an office experienced “office rage.” And Brits are supposed to be mild mannered! A far more informal survey of emotional incidents in my own office showed that in an average week, very few were immune to the lure of office rage. Seriously, there is a Buddhist in my office who wants to get a punching bag for when things get out of control. I consider myself a peace-loving individual and I have had to storm outside and stomp around on multiple occasions so that I didn’t kick people in the head.

So how do we handle our coworkers, employers or employees when they whine themselves into a frenzy, throw tantrums or work themselves into profanity-laden, spittle-flinging scream fests?

1. When I Am Queen of Everything, grown adults who have workplace tantrums will be put in time-out where they have to watch multiple PowerPoint presentations on things like productivity, synergy and “thinking outside the box.” They will only be released when they have calmed down and/or given themselves a lobotomy with a 3 hole punch.

2. When I Am Queen of Everything, whiny asshats and people who complain about working more than they actually work will come equipped with a mute button so that when they can’t control their own damn mouths, their coworkers can step in and take care of business.

3. Finally, When I Am Queen of Everything, the spitters/screamers/excessive swearers can choose between paying a fine (proceeds from which will fund the next office happy hour), having my mother whack them repeatedly with a wooden spoon for hours at a time, or performing the song “Proud Mary” complete with dance moves in front of the entire office.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

U.S. Bureau of Labor StatisticsLifehackerAmerican Psychological AssociationForbesCBS NewsBAAM, Image Credit: Flickr

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