Is Nothing Sacred?

Is Nothing Sacred?

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,23 May 2014

The Snap:

The older we get, the less up we are on what’s hip with the kids these days; surprisingly this didn’t alarm us one little bit. Until we found out that crap we thought was long gone had somehow stuck around to shame those of us who came of age during said period of craptasticness. Plus there’s a whole new bunch of formerly awesome stuff that was en vogue when we were younger but has now been subverted into something entirely different and horrible. This all either needs to stop or we need to be supplied with medicinal vodka to tolerate the nauseating tide of nostalgia. In the meantime, let’s talk about some of the offenders.

The Download:

Here’s some of the crap that should have gone far, far far away but for some reason keeps hanging around:

Survivor: We never watched this before as most reality TV tends to make us break out in hives but we crazily thought the world had heard enough of whiny asshats scheming to kick the least popular and/or least attractive asshat off the island. Apparently, the world has said hells no because that shit just finished its 28th season.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette: If we were disheartened to hear Survivor was still surviving, we were apoplectic upon learning these shows were still on-the-air. The Bachelor has finished 18 seasons and the Bachelorette 10 because it apparently took a while for the TV execs to figure out that women sometimes liked being able to choose their own fates rather than waiting for some crapweasel to offer her a rose.

Hammer Pants: Not that having a crotch down around your knees isn’t sexy, but seriously, HAMMER PANTS? Apparently if you call them Hammer Pants you can get people thinking these bad boys are 2 Legit 2 Quit — hey, hey! Are there trends more unflattering than Hammer Pants that can be brought back? What about the mullet? How about tapestry vests for tweens (like the one we sported at the New Kids On The Block Concert that made us look super-hot)? Maybe some maxi shoulder pad suits for women with some dumbass bow in place of a tie.

And here’s some stuff that didn’t use to suck but has been chosen to be brought back and made heinous:

Jelly bracelets: We once wore so many of these that we lost all feeling in our right arm. Pairing them with jelly shoes meant that when we passed out from lack of blood flow to our arms, there would also be fun welted patterns on our feet. Thanks to Urban Dictionary we now know that some idiots wanted to use them to signal their sexual progress. Way to ruin our fond childhood memories, you sick hipster bastards! Well played!

My Little Pony: Finding that not everything from our childhood had been sullied apparently inspired a group of batshit perverts to turn My Little Pony into a sexual fantasy combining bestiality with neon colors and fun to brush hair. Why don’t you just start a club about screwing Cabbage Patch kids, you sickos?!!?

Jem and The Holograms: We may be crazy but we’re hoping the upcoming movie, Jem and The Holograms, won’t make us want to weep. This show was everything that was right about the 1980s all in one glam-suburban-rock festival of pink hair and cheesy villains. Realizing there are a whole bunch of aging, nostalgic 80’s kids looking for something to be excited and/or whine excessively about, the show is being made into a movie. Of course it features people so young as to make us gnash our teeth but apparently will also feature Juliette Lewis and Molly Ringwald in some sort of roles. If they are the grandmothers and/or ancestors of The Holograms and/or The Misfits, we will become highly stabby.

That’s it for now. There’s only so much crapping upon our adolescence that we can take in one sitting. Have other ideas of shows/groups/fashion far past their time but that won’t die? Is a new Hollywood director preparing to poop on your precious pre-pubescent memories? Let us know on FB or Twitter.


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Hat Tips:

CBS NewsWashington PostJezebelE Online, Image Credit: Flickr

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