Feel The Burn

Feel The Burn

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,9 May 2014

The Snap:

Here at The Snap Download we’re always on the lookout for new and exciting ways humans show they have absolutely no common sense. Normally, we aim our gaze at the maniacal loons in Congress. However, today we’re going to tackle the delicate subject of why do human beings — particularly those in the developed world — like to torture themselves in the pursuit of bodily perfection.

The Download:

I recently went to a Bikram yoga class. This is where middle and upper class people pay other people to stick them in a room that’s 105 degrees and make them contort themselves in a variety of poses for 90 minutes. When you first start out, you’re like, “This isn’t so bad. I can feel the toxins leaving my body right now! I’m a superstar.” Then you look at the clock, realize you still have 87 minutes of class to survive and that your toxins and 100 gallons of sweat are now on a towel on which you will later have to lie down.

You’ll be glad to lie down though as the longer you lunge around the more light-headed you become. Within 20 minutes I would have paid decent money to have someone drag my lifeless body out of the room and drop ice down my back. Or even to shoot me so I could be dead since hell would probably be cooler. Surviving became my main goal. Lesser goals included not vomiting or crapping myself, not passing out, and not leaving the class early. Thankfully I met all those goals though the “remaining in class” goal was helped along by the fact that I had become too weak to open the door.

As the delirium took over, it occurred to me that people really are freaking nuts. We will talk about exercise programs as “kicking my ass” or “the instructor reduced me to tears” or “the class made me contemplate my own death” in such a manner where it’s clear we are wicked proud to be such health-crazed badasses.

Everyone kept saying how great I’d feel after class and they were right. I felt amazing; like I could jog home and then get in and win a bar fight. But of course I felt great. I had been feeling like I was dying in a room that was hotter than hell and I left the room. It was reminiscent of when my sister got a facial made out of nightingale poop and said how great her skin felt afterwards. That was completely logical to me as she’d gone from having poop on her face to not having poop on her face.  How could that not feel like 100 times better?

It seems as if the more horrible an exercise program is, the more people will want to pay money to join it — reasoning that pain and horror are the only way to have thighs the circumference of a baby’s arm.  There is a workout literally called “Insanity” where people willingly pay money to prove they’ve lost their minds.

This leads me to my next big idea since sadly it seems that my becoming Queen of Everything is taking way too long. I will design a workout called “Hell on Earth” where you will pay me scads of money and I will make you do lunges uphill, in a desert, while I throw rocks and shout obscenities at you. If you want the deluxe version, I will come to your house before dawn, make you run 10 miles and then throw you into a pit where you have to wrestle several alligators and then climb out by making a rope out of your shoelaces. Sign up now before all the classes are full!


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