One Heartbeat Away From Lunacy

One Heartbeat Away From Lunacy

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,2 May 2014

The Snap:

The religious fervor of Sarah Palin last week got us thinking about the runner-ups of the runner-ups — otherwise known as losing vice presidential candidates. For being vice president is very much like being the runner-up in a beauty pageant where one must always be prepared to take over if the winner cannot perform her duties. The major difference is that the only way VP runner-ups get the job is through something that massively bums out the country. Oh and VPs get the nuclear launch codes unlike beauty pageant runner-ups (we hope). So let’s take a stroll down amnesia lane and remember a few of the people that weren’t able to reach the height of having a job that, in the words of one VP, was not worth a bucket of warm piss.

The Download:

Most recently we nearly had dreamy eyed Paul Ryan. When not earnestly looking into a camera or trying to help the homeless dream the impossible dream, Representative Ryan is thinking up budgets too bold for mathematics or morals. Oh and being the bestie of the Congressional Black Caucus who for some strange reason took umbrage when Ryan said the culture of the “inner cities” involved “generations of men not even thinking about working.”

Before Ryan, we can thank John McCain for helping thrust Sarah Palin onto the national stage. Her nearly 20 months as governor for Alaska and her ability to rile up a bunch of anger-prone convention attendees brought that certain “je ne sais quoi” to the McCain ticket (“je ne sais quoi” is French for “extra dash of jackassery”). Thankfully it was not enough for the majority of Americans so we’re left with the reality starring, political poisoning, waterboard-loving humanitarian popping up on the media’s radar enough to keep us in a near constant state of nausea.

Prior to Palin, Senator John Edwards almost obtained the rank of runner-up. The best thing that you can say about him is that maybe he didn’t commit a crime. That still makes it hard to swallow the fact that while playing up the family man role, he was cheating on his wife. Who had cancer. We bet he runs over puppies and steals money from nuns on weekends.

There was a bunch of people in between Edwards and the next and final wannabe VP we’re discussing but they weren’t as exciting as our last candidate. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to hear/see/read campaign ads over the past several major elections, you can thank the fact that David H. Koch didn’t become Libertarian vice president in 1980. Maybe if Koch had won then he and his brother would let elections happen without interfering when it concerns states where they don’t even have one of their many diamond-encrusted mansions. Their kryptonite is the Affordable Care Act. They’ve earned the distinction of having  13 fact checks done on their mouthpiece, Americans for Prosperity, by Politifact. Of the 13, the best they got was “half true;” the majority of claims made in their ads was false or mostly false.

So what’s the moral of the story? Who the hell knows. It’s politics so there’s not a whole lot of morals at play. Maybe it’s just to be glad that the most trouble Vice President Biden gives us is by being blinded by his 1000 megawatt smile or laughing so hard we pee at one of his frequent and hilarious gaffes.


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Hat Tips:

Washington PostPoliticoThe AtlanticPolitifactNPR, Image Credit: Flickr

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