Why You Won’t Survive The Apocalypse: Part I

Why You Won’t Survive The Apocalypse: Part I

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,7 April 2014

The Snap:

The release of the post-apocalyptic, young adult movie, Divergent, made us realize we’re not alone in our fixation with the forthcoming, post-apocalyptic world. Everyone loves a good apocalypse! When was the last time summer didn’t include an action-packed, yet deeply moving film where the fate of the world rested in the manly hands of Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Denzel Washington or another heroic-type actor? We think people’s obsession with the apocalypse is due, in part, to their belief that they’d be the ones to survive. Well, think again, suckers.  Here is the first set of reasons why you’d completely fail at the apocalypse.

The Download:

1. Your cubicle existence has weakened you.

Do you seriously think you’re going to spring straight from your 9-to-5 desk job into a lean, mean, apocalypse surviving machine? Think again. People who sit all day are unhealthier than their standing counterparts regardless of how many triathlons they’re competing in on the weekends. On a typical day, your exercise probably consists of walking less than a minute to a snack bar or vending machine or searching around your house to see where your kids hid the remote control. That will not be enough to help you bludgeon your fellow apocalyptic survivors to get the last remaining can of beans.

2. You don’t know how to do anything useful during or after an apocalypse.

Out of the 10 occupations with the largest number of employees in the United States in 2012, only 3 had skills useful in or after an apocalypse: registered nurses, laborers and freight movers, and janitors and cleaners. Sure, sales is the most common occupation in the country and maybe that will help you when bartering your last gallon of water for bandages but you probably won’t make it to the post-apocalyptic phase as you can’t do anything requiring manual labor or handicraft type skills.

3. You can’t even keep a damn emergency kit stocked to last you 3 days.

Despite a shit ton of PSA’s on emergency preparedness, you still aren’t paying attention. You’re probably one of the 6 in 10 Americans who have no family emergency plan.  If you’re in the minority of the population who actually has some sort of emergency kit, we bet you’ve got it stocked with beef jerky, one water bottle, a sad flashlight with dead batteries, and porn. Seriously you are just the worst.

4. You have no social skills.

The only way you interact with people is via texting, Twitter and video chat. You have lost all ability to interact with people without an electronic device in your sweaty little hands. Where does that leave you when the apocalypse knocks out all our telecommunications networks and power grids? That leaves you the first one voted off the island or the first considered as a main course when supplies are dwindling. That’s okay; your desk job has probably fattened you up to the point where you will provide much needed nourishment for those with any redeeming qualities in a post-apocalyptic world.

5. Your version of the great outdoors involves choosing cute outerwear and survival gear from trendy backpacking stores.

It’s not just that you haven’t gone camping since you were a kid. Your idea of roughing it is staying at a hotel without a complimentary continental breakfast. You want to be like Ron Swanson but you know in your heart of hearts that like Tom Haverford, you be treating yo self all day long. Fewer families vacation in the national parks each year. You like looking at nature and maybe you even like buying products that aren’t harmful to the natural world. However, you’d rather binge-watch the latest nature-based reality TV show than go backpacking without multiple electronic devices.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

DivergentWashington PostThe AtlanticCNNNPRFunny or DieBuzzFeed, Image Credit: Flickr


  1. […] post we have the not-so-shocking conclusion of why you would completely fail an apocalypse.  Previously we learned how you pretty much hate the outdoors for more than a day or two, you don’t know how to do […]

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