When I Am Queen of Everything: Scummy Scammers

When I Am Queen of Everything: Scummy Scammers

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,25 March 2014

The Snap:

Maybe you thought that since TSD hasn’t had any “Queen of Everything” articles in a while that good was triumphing over evil and all was well with the world. Well, think again suckers. Now we need to discuss the lowest of the low, sleaziest of the sleaze, and asshattiest of the asshats; otherwise known as those who scam senior citizens. These are probably the grown-up incarnation of the kid who burns ants with a magnifying glass or the kid who makes up dead relatives to get out of homework. Some of these kids grow up and decide they want to scam large groups of people for fame and fortune and they become politicians. Some of these kids grow up and decide they want to scam large groups of people just for the money and they become senior scammers.

The Download

It’s bad enough our senior citizens have to deal with the real aches and pains that arise as people age. Seriously, for some of them it looks like it hurts to blink. I’m a ways off from being a senior (which is a bummer as I would be excellent at retirement) and yet I can now tell when it’s going to rain because my ankle hurts. Unfortunately it goes downhill from there but I’m starting to depress myself so let’s get back to those seniors.

The FBI says seniors fall prey to scammers because seniors were born in a time when people were more polite and trusting. That seems unlikely to me as my mother once assaulted my neighbor with her cane because he surprised her; regardless, scammers like to pick on older people. They call pretending to be grandkids needing help. They send out mass mailers indicating seniors may already have won a bazillion dollars. They make up fake charities and take real donations. They pretend to be Medicare, the IRS and a host of other official type sounding organizations. They use the very hotlines police establish for seniors to report scams in order to get seniors’ personal information.

Perhaps I’m especially sensitive to these scams because I have a high quota of elderly relatives. Whatever the reason, When I Am Queen of Everything senior citizens will have a button on their telephones that, when pushed, will electrocute their scammers. The button will be big, red, and have the word SCAM in gargantuan letters to minimize accidental electrocution of dutiful children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren.

Since a lot of these scams are delivered via robocall, rendering electrocution of the robot on the other end ineffective, I have devised a special punishment for the masterminds behind the schemes. First time offenders will feel the wrath of my shrinking, bionic mother and her cane of doom. Second time offenders will have to work the early bird shift, 7 days a week for 18 months as bussers at buffet type restaurants. Anything over that and they’ll have to work that early shift for 5-10 years, listening to the sound of their coworkers clip their fingernails, all while my mother beats them with her cane.


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Hat Tips:

WWLTVCircleville TodayFBISenior Council on AgingThe ProvinceHerald-Review, Image Credit: Flickr

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