CPAC Menu: Green Eggs and Crap

CPAC Menu: Green Eggs and Crap

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,10 March 2014

The Snap:

This past weekend, CPAC participants got to hear all about job creators, job destroyers, the nanny state, the failed state, weak foreign policy and autocratic destruction of the Constitution. It was generally a parade of middle-aged and old white men spewing hot air and vitriol whilst bemoaning the tragedy of President Obama still being in office. What ultra-conservatives will do when they no longer have Barrack Obama to rail against is a complete mystery. Nothing unites them so much as tapping into their base’s fear and rage that Obama is still in the White House. Perhaps, they’ll come together over their desire to add a thick layer of shit-shellac over the precious childhood memories of many Americans. Well, not on my watch, bitches. You can make a mockery of the Constitution but when it comes to Dr. Seuss, you’ve gone too damn far.

The Download:

From: The law offices of Irony, Hypocrisy & Sons

To: ‘Governor’ Sarah Palin, Senator Ted Cruz and all future speechifiers seeking to sully Seuss’ stories

Re: Misuse of the works of our client, Theodor Seuss, Ph.D.


Dear Mrs. Palin and Mr. Cruz,

It has come to our attention that you have seen fit to coopt the words of our client to bolster your political clout and popularity. You have used his words without any sense of the hysterical irony of disputing a plan you have never tried by invoking a tale advising against judging things before you try them. Furthermore, we understand that you have been publicly proffering our client’s prose and poetry in nauseating, sing-song voices resulting in nausea, migraines and intense ass-pain for all those not under your spell. We hereby state in no uncertain terms that you are to cease and desist with all mutilations of the musings of Theodor Seuss, Ph.D.

You shall not use them in a speech,

You shall not use them on a beach,

Do not speak them under a dome,

Do not speak them when visiting Rome,

Or in the House,

Or with a mouse,

You must not, shall not, on the news.

You must not, shall not, in the pews.

Not in a car! Not in D.C.!

Not in a bar! Now let us be

Completely clear in what we say

Use his words again and you will pay.


U.R. Ridick, Attorney-at-law



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Hat Tips:

Associated PressThe Atlantic WireWashington Post, NBC NewsSlate, Image Credit: Cage Skidmore on Flickr

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