The Joys of Travel

The Joys of Travel

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,14 February 2014

The Snap:

Some say that travel is broadening. Or is it widening? It feels like widening when you’re trying to cram your large ass into one of those airline seats. Then when you get to your vacation destination, you eat as if you have never seen food before and ravenous squirrels might attack and steal your precious morsels. Maybe it’s more widening than broadening but regardless, modern-day people seem to be traveling more and more.  If there’s one thing tourists love more than traveling, it’s complaining about how awful their journeys were once they return home. So grab a fruity drink with one of those little umbrellas, put your feet up and read. It will be like a mini-vacay for your mind. Be sure to drink first.

The Download:

Normally, happy people annoy the bejeezus out of me. Seriously, why are they so freaking happy? It’s just not right. This makes what I’m about to say even more horrifying: sometimes I wish I too was ignorantly blissful all the time. That might ease the burden of enduring First-World Travel Problems (FWTP). While FWTP are happening, I’m like in a fog of rage; my ability to see the bright side of life is diminished by being poked and prodded, de-shoed, de-jacketed and crammed onto an uncomfortable, stinky bus in the sky to share air with hundreds of germy people.

Having just returned from what was undoubtedly a lovely little trip to New Orleans (despite the fact that my eyes were swollen shut for the better part of the weekend) it’s time to air some FWTP grievances.

1. Overhead Douchebaggers: One of the main reasons to fly Southwest is you can check your bags for free. It’s great! The only problem is that pretty much everyone on the goddam plane still tries to cram their oversized wheely-bags in the overhead compartment, thus delaying take-offs and landings. As a bonus, this time a chic dropped stuff on me when she was trying to force her bag into the compartment directly over my head.

2. Airline seats: Thankfully, my most recent trip was a short one so I only had to contort myself into a pretzel for a few hours. I’d still like to know what human being this contraption was designed for. Waifish models? Nah, those twig-bitches have long legs and the space between seats is about the length of a pop tart.

3. Hotel showers: Far too many are going with Europe-style water pressure where you could get cleaner if you asked all the hotel staff to spit on you at the same time. Don’t actually ask them that; they’ll look at you funny for the rest of your trip. Then there are the drastic changes from scalding to freezing that make a hotel shower so invigorating. It helps to have traveled in wilderness type areas of Central America because then you’re just glad when there are no pinching land crabs lurking in the shower stalls.

4. Fellow hotel dwellers: If they’re not using all the hot water, then they’re taking up all the space in an elevator or eating the last hot bite of eggs at the complimentary breakfast buffet. There’s also usually a family that likes to stand outside your door and have a shouting-style conversation at the buttcrack of dawn.

5. Waiting: Waiting is never good but it feels like a slap in the face when you’re on vacation. We’re dealing with a limited amount of time here, people! Everything must happen exactly when we want it to happen and not later. We’ve got a schedule to keep and freaking sights to see…or at least take many pictures of so that we view pretty much every attraction through our phones or camera lenses.

6. Being Sick: Same as waiting, being sick always sucks but it sucks big monkey balls when you’re on vacation. In addition to my eyes being swollen and itchy, I was afraid to be seen by other people not directly related to me since they would probably recoil in fear gazing upon my puffy-ass eyes.

Then again, all those things were pretty hysterical when laughing over them with my family. Because the joys of travel happen when you least expect them. It’s not when you cross off every tourist attraction on your list. It’s when you’re laughing so hard you almost pee your pants over the insanity of the chatty concierge who relayed her whole life story or when you realize you’re lucky enough to be able to travel to awesome, new places with family or friends and return home with only minimal emotional scarring.

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Know Your Meme, Image Credit: Flickr



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  1. […] we’ve discussed before, traveling can bring out the worst in people. Chatty Kathys rambling on in the adjacent airline seat, […]

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