Oh, Winter Olympics. Planet Earth’s Shared Soap Opera.

Oh, Winter Olympics. Planet Earth’s Shared Soap Opera.

Leigh MichaelWednesday,12 February 2014

The Snap:

The Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics are upon us, which means that new outlets get treated to a whole new cast of characters whom we can examine for personal stories, hidden secrets, and skeletons in closets that are just waiting to be uncovered. Shia LaBeouf, Justin Bieber, and the Copenhagen Zoo can all take a break for two weeks while we dissect the personal lives, outfit choices, and behavior of every Olympian.

Oh, right. And watch competitors from 88 nations compete for the gold. That too.

The Download:

Forget about  U.S. Olympian Sage Kotsenburg taking the gold in the men’s Slopestyle Snowboarding event. Forget about the troublesome summer conditions that are making the events nearly impossible. This is the real reason that we hold the Winter Olympics every 4 years:

A snowflake ring didn’t open in the Opening Ceremony.
But don’t worry. Creative Director Konstantin Ernst promises us, “This is bad, but it does not humiliate us.” (For the record, the rest of the ceremony was pretty awesome).

Obama and Putin conspired on which country gets to take the gold in the figure skating competition.
Unlikely friendships formed over illicit skating dalliances? Sounds like fodder for a Lifetime movie.

American figure skater Ashley Wagner makes regrettable facial expressions.
Judges may have only deemed her performance worthy of 4th place, but that snarl and ever-so-clearly enunciated “bullshit” remark surely won first in prissiness.

Russian snowboarder Alexey Sobolev gets a lot of naked photos.
The wily lad put his number on his helmet, resulting in such a prolific influx of nude photos that he claims his phone crashed. Poor baby.

Everyone is obsessed with skater-turned-commentator Johnny Weir’s outfits.
And he puts all other skaters’ ensembles to shame.

Bobsledder Bobby Quinn gets stuck in the bathroom. And in an elevator.
And it makes headlines in virtually every news outlet….?

And to think: We’re only a few days in!

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Hat Tips:

Washington Post, Sochi, BBC, Image Credit: Flickr

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