The State of the Union is Inebriated

The State of the Union is Inebriated

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,28 January 2014

The Snap:

Tonight is when hundreds of millions of Americans will tune into Netflix or maybe even pick up a book or socialize with each other. Not because they want to necessarily; mainly because they want to avoid watching President Obama’s sixth State of the Union address and the nauseating 24-hour noose cycle coverage of the SOTU. Sadly, I will not be among them because like a hideous car wreck you can’t turn away from I can’t not watch the SOTU. It’s not even because I still sort of like this President; I watched all of Bush’s even though he wasn’t my executive cup of tea. Now, I wasn’t what an objective person would call “sober” during all of them, but watch them I did. For those fellow SOTU addicts who can’t admit they have a problem, I’ve come up with a few ways to make the time spent watching it suck less.

The Download:

Let’s face it – you and I don’t have a lot of control over how this shit is going down. So until we (or more likely I) obtain all-encompassing power, there are a few things we can do to make this more enjoyable. With that in mind, I give you: Advice for Home Participants.

Drinking games: The important thing to remember is the SOTU is a marathon, not a sprint. Make an insane rule like, “drink every time someone applauds” or  “drink whenever Senator McConnell looks like a constipated weasel,” and you’ll have permanent liver damage before we hear the story of whichever Average Joe/Jane they’ve invited to tell his/her heartwarming story of triumph in the face of adversity.

So let’s make this thing a little more social. Whenever President Obama mentions “reaching across the aisle,” buy a drink for a fellow bar patron or silently toast a frenemy if you’re solo. If Speaker Boehner looks misty eyed, drink whiskey and sing “Oh, Danny Boy.” If he yawns/rolls his eyes/discreetly plays Candy Crush, pound a PBR or Natty Boh. If Vice President Biden displays a facial expression other than a radioactively white smile or thoughtful head-tilting, bring on the Jager. When all Democrats stand with all Republicans remaining seated, do a keg stand. Spot a snoozing senator or see Senator McCain look crotchety and the other participants must drink something disgusting like a Cement Mixer.

Name that Buzzword: If drinking games aren’t your bag, use the SOTU as a means of proving your prognostic powers. The hour before the SOTU, you and your friends write down all the buzzwords you think the Prez will use with estimates for number of times each will be used. Loser buys the pizza or has to watch all the Republican responses to the SOTU and summarize them for the group via interpretive dance.

Speaking of interpretive dance, I’d like to discuss how the SOTU will be conducted When I Am Queen of Everything. Acting within Constitutional confines, the Prez really has a lot of leeway when it comes to when and how he (or dear-sweet-baby-Jesus-sometime-in-my-lifetime SHE) addresses Congress. Interpretive dance would be beautiful as would finger puppets or charades. I’d also gladly watch the Prez and Speaker Boehner have a dance off or even better yet, a Walk Off. Or we could watch the House vs. Senate in a Capture the Flag Match while the Prez yells out Buzzwords that we all drink to.

Bottom line is if we can’t make the SOTU mean something in terms of actually accomplishing anything important, then it should at least be entertaining.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

New YorkerWashington PostIn The CapitalNPRABC NewsZoolanderHuffington Post, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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