Congress and Its Bright Idea

Congress and Its Bright Idea

Adrienne BoettingerThursday,16 January 2014

The Snap:

When it comes to unemployment benefits, farm bills, food stamps, gun control or immigration policy, Congress finds common ground about as easily as Jacqueline Bisset found a coherent sentence in her Golden Globes acceptance speech. These issues aren’t important enough to the American people to warrant discussion and negotiation. But when it comes to what really matters — like our God-given, American right to choose old-school light bulbs — well that’s when the Hill really hops into action to get ‘er done…except for those pesky democrats who apparently want every baby bird to die and are dancing on the grave of the Easy Bake Oven. That’s right; the budget battle is on and the stakes have never been higher wattage.

The Download:

If you were to attempt to read the 1,532 page, $1.012 trillion budget deal up for votes in the House and Senate this week, you’d have a massive aneurism or be locked away for being criminally insane. But if you were psychotic enough to try it, you’d find that the House GOP is making its last stand not on Obamacare, but on preventing the government from enforcing bans on the production of old-timey incandescent light bulbs.

It’s easy to see how the protection of light bulb production trumps any number of issues like poverty, immigration, joblessness, and the insane number of gun deaths in this country (). I mean, Congress doesn’t have time to address every piddly little issue that crosses their desks; they have to pick and choose how they spend the grueling 113 days they intend to be in D.C. in 2014. And they’ve chosen light bulbs.

It doesn’t seem to matter that American light bulb producers actually side with environmental groups in terms of not wanting to produce energy inefficient, incandescent light bulbs. We must protect the light bulbs before hoarders ferret them away in their radiation-proof bunkers. It also doesn’t seem to matter that writing in measures to prohibit the enforcement of the 2007 Energy Independence and Security Act won’t really do squat since American producers have largely given up production of the cheaper, shorter-lasting bulbs; in effect, Congress could actually be helping foreign producers of old school light bulbs.

So what do we lose if the country completes the planned phasing out of old-school light bulb production? Rescue organizations will have to find new ways to warm baby birds and small girls will no longer be able to spend countless hours “baking” brownies with a 100-watt bulb (and yet still have to finish said brownies in an actual oven). Personally, I’d be more worried about the brownies due to my freakish fear of birds but somehow I think we can find a way for the bloodthirsty, eye-pecking creatures to survive without a light bulb.

And now, for your moment of light bulb related whimsy, I present to you: Alan Thicke.

p.s. Does he subsist on diet of baby tears and unicorn blood? The man hasn’t aged since 1987.

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Hat Tips:

Washington PostThe Kansas City StarPoliticoChicago Sun-TimesWashington TimesPhillyFunny Or Die, Image Credit: Flickr

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