When I Am Queen of Everything: A Retrospective

When I Am Queen of Everything: A Retrospective

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,14 January 2014

The Snap:

Seeing the most awesome business card in the history of mankind reminded me that it’s been a year since I decided my destiny is to become Queen of Everything. I have “the most influential man in China” (AKA “the most charismatic philanthropist in China”) to thank for reinvigorating my desire to reign supreme over everything. In the year that’s passed since the birth of this dream, a lot of nonsense has gone down. Had I been empowered, I would have smote the crap out of the government shutdown, threats to women’s rights, congressional hearings run amuck, loosening of gun controls, commercialized democracy, and of course, people cutting their fingernails at work.

The Download:

2013 had some real low points but it did help sharpen my vision for my eventual ascension to power. Let’s recap some of the wrongs I’d right When I Become Queen of Everything ():

1. I will positively tear up any idiot who calls a woman fat.

2. Men won’t be considered the brains while women can only be beautiful, those who perpetrate acts of violence against women will be struck down, and those that laugh/mock/roll-their-eyes saying that I probably have my period or that women take this shit too seriously, you better run because I’m coming at you bastards like a spider monkey.

3. The Catholic Church won’t value men more than women or straight people more than gay people. And the next pope can be a lesbian priest from Ecuador who reminds her flock that no one is perfect and encourages them to speak and act with love and respect for all people, not just the people who agree with them.

4. There will be two main reality shows: the Big Brother-style show I want to film with the world’s worst dictators and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” which was just a really good show.  Also, contestants on matchmaking shows will look real and Donald Trump will have to eat his own toupee whenever he spouts any birther nonsense.

5. Office etiquette training will be mandatory. Break the rules and you’ll be forced to listen to people discuss gastrointestinal ailments while your coworkers reheat fish in a nearby microwave.

6. There will be only two types of swimsuits allowed in public. The “classic” will be a high-necked, long-sleeved dress covering the wearer from neck to ankles, made out of a thick material with a framework to pouf it out from the waist so it won’t cling to the wearer’s body when she attempts to exit the pool. The “sporty” will have a modest scoop neck, flattering cap sleeves and will be knee-length but will also pouf out.

7. All wedding and baby showers will be co-ed, short, game-less and have alcohol. Attention-stealing witches will not be allowed to usurp the spotlight away from the couple or expectant parent(s) by bringing or bragging about their genius offspring or perfect spouses. And all singletons will get to have at least one massive party with a gift registry from which his or her friends and family will purchase offerings to celebrate that singleton’s awesomeness.

9. The Waltons will have to live on the hourly rates paid to their employees. Cities will have no more than one Wal-Mart with a max of 5 per state. If Wal-Mart doesn’t treat its people better — like Costco has done — all Wal-Marts will be shuttered and the land turned into community supported agricultural collectives and interpretive dance centers.

10. Every politician will have to wear clothing or get tattoos indicating who they will truly represent once elected. I’m not talking about a tasteful lapel pin or discreet hair accessory. I’m thinking face tattoos but would also consider allowing corporate sponsorships to be displayed prominently across the ass region of politicians’ pants/skirts, in neon or sequins.

That’s just a small taste of what I have planned. Know that I will be a benevolent ruler…unless you cross me, in which case things will get all real up in here, real quick.


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Hat Tips:

SlateTimeForbes, Image Credit: Flickr


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