Adrienne BoettingerFriday,10 January 2014

The Snap:

In fulfilling my sacred duty of warning you of the dangers threatening to destroy America, I’ve discussed the unspecified evils gay marriage will bring, how the only way to protect our children is to arm kindergarteners, the provision in the Affordable Care Act that requires parents eat their young, and the red menace facing Americans (well, at least New Yorkers). But today I speak of a threat so insidious as to make your blood run cold. I don’t want to be an alarmist but this calamity endangers the very heart of America.

The Download:

What threat is so paralyzing? It’s the potential for a British invasion more damaging than the redcoats during the American Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, and One Direction besting Maroon 5 at the 2014 People’s Choice Award…COMBINED.  Of course, I could only be speaking of the jacked up way Brits spell things, or what I like to refer to as metric spelling.

Remember how awful the metric system was and how annoying it was to try to figure out how to convert things from the regular system (aka American or Superior system) to metric before smartphones were invented? Renting cars in the UK, I have no idea if there is enough fuel in my car to get me the miles I need to cover because they only care about liters and kilometers. And they have the audacity to call it litres and kilometres.

So why do Brits, Canadians, Australians and pretty much every other English speaking country on earth insist on spelling English words wrong? Did all the U’s they try to add to words like colour and humour get washed overboard on the Mayflower’s journey? No! One of the earliest and least likable patriots, Noah Webster, figured out how to spell things right and more American.

Noah “Dictionary” Webster wanted American spelling to be distinct from that of the Brits. He also recognized that a lot of it just looks nuts. I mean, who wants to spell estrogen starting with an “O”? As in, “The parlour where the humourless baby shower is being staged is awash in oestrogen.” ()

Brits go so far as to use bizarre words when perfectly lovely American words exist. For example, they refer to pants as trousers, underpants as pants, fun as crack, crack as fun, and sweater as jumper. Thankfully the power of the American fanny pack (don’t even ask what fanny means in England) has won over some of the more influential Brits, like J.K. Rowling who decided to use the word sweater and not jumper in the U.S. edition of Harry Potter.

You’re probably asking yourself, what can I do to stop highfalutin spelling from clogging up our pure and untroubled ‘Murican brains? Resist the urge to visit any quaint ye olde shoppes, defend your right to spell defense without a ‘C,’ and pour one out for the obsessive, panicking, self-praising father of American wordsmithery and copyright law, Noah Webster ().

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Perez HiltonLive ScienceOxford DictionariesNew York TimesUniversity of Tampere’s Department of Translation Studies, Image Credit: Flickr

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