Adrienne BoettingerMonday,6 January 2014

The Snap:

As the subzero temps are bringing my sanity to its knees, I actually watched a report about Jessica Simpson and her upcoming nuptials. Jessica apparently has been engaged for 3 years to the father of her 2 children but she wanted to look good in her wedding dress before getting hitched. 2014 will be the magical year when those forces align. Now I have nothing against weddings, weight loss or even Jessica Simpson; this just made me think a man would never say “I’m not walking down the aisle ‘til I’ve lost a few pounds.”  So here is some no-calorie food for thought on what men and women don’t say and why.

The Download:

Here are 5 things you’ll never hear a man say ():

1. “What should we buy your mother for her birthday?”  Gift selection, purchase and wrapping typically remain womens’ work. Think of most couples you know; no matter their work hours and home duties, odds are the woman remembers the birthdays, sends the Christmas cards and picks out that thoughtful gift for the dude’s mom ().

2. “I’m not buying new clothes until I lose weight.” Granted, some men believe in only purchasing new clothing every few decades but that’s not because they’re punishing themselves for gaining weight. So why do women think they deserve nice things only when they’re thin?

3. ”Do I look fat?” You generally don’t hear men agonizing over their weight. Of course some think about it, but it has become such a major part of female life and every decision we make.

4. “When are you two going to have children?” Some questions should be verboten: when are you having kids, have you found a husband yet, etc. They are incredibly personal and rife with peril.

5. “I love baby shower games!” I’ve been up front with my feelings about wedding and baby showers, namely that they should be co-ed, have alcohol and not have idiotic games. 

And here are 5 things you’ll never hear a woman say:

1. “It’s just one day.” For some, their wedding days may be the most important days of their lives. Still, it’s one day out of what will hopefully be a lifetime of memorable days. Try to tone down possible freakouts and rein in the expenses.

2. “When are you due?” It’s not that women don’t ask each other when they’re expecting; it’s just that women typically aren’t moronic enough to go up to someone who seems a little robust around the middle and ask her when it’s due, knowing full well the woman might not be preggers.

3. “Nothing much.”  Men use phrases like this in response to most questions. Women seem more into details than men. Sometimes it’s okay to not tell your life story in response to a question.

4. If it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Thankfully, most men would never say this either.

5. “I can’t go out tonight; I have to babysit my kids.” YOU DON’T BABYSIT YOUR OWN KIDS, YOU IDIOTIC MANCHILD! They are as much your responsibility as your wife’s.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Today, Huffington Post, Image Credit: Flickr

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