Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,31 December 2013

The Snap:

As the end of 2013 draws nigh, let’s stroll through the year in jackassery. From Syria to North Korea, from Canada to right here in the good old US of A, this year produced vast swaths of jackassery. If we could find a way to convert it into fuel, we’d solve the world’s energy problems and have enough left over to power every frozen yogurt store on the east coast. Sadly, this jackassery did more to drain energy from our very souls. So sit back, pour yourself a drink (or keep the entire bottle handy), and let’s wander down amnesia lane amongst things and people we’d rather forget…

The Download:

1. Lance Armstrong proved his unoriginality, not just by using performance-enhancing drugs or issuing a faux apology, but by trying to use the power of the Oprah to soften his fall. The Oprah will not be used for your personal gain, Armstrong, and woe be unto you for trying.

2. Although I do have a soft spot for demented dictators with daring hairstyles, Kim Jong Un went above and beyond when he executed his uncle right before Christmas. It’s been a busy year for the tiny tyrant what with setting off weapons, threatening global destruction, holding 80-year-olds hostage, and perhaps the most frightening part, becoming besties with Dennis Rodman.

3. Sadly, we won’t be watching the inauguration of President Tony “Danger” Weiner anytime soon. After sexting and taking pictures of your wang, it’s only natural to follow up with running for Mayor of New York. But the New York electorate isn’t as forgiving as the one in South Carolina, who actually reelected their sex-maniac, Appalachian-hiking idiot and decided to make him a freaking U.S. Congressman.

4. Hey, Paula, it pains me to do this, but for knowing your cooking contributed to your diabetes and yet continuing to serve it to the masses — along with creating a workplace allegedly rife with racism and sexism — you have earned a Dishonorable Degree in Jackassery.

5. What do you do after shooting an unarmed teenager, assaulting your girlfriend and threatening her with a shotgun, and punching your wife’s father? If you’re George Zimmerman, you auction off an “original” painting on eBay. Stay classy, Zimmerman.

6. Since he’s more of a sadistic, evil maniac than a jackass, the editors of Time are the ones called out for crimes in jackassery for naming Bashar al-Assad as a candidate for Person of the Year. Because we should obviously celebrate a leader who is driving his country into its fourth year of bloody war, with refugees topping 2 million in number and more than 100,000 Syrians killed during the conflict.

7. For making me look up the definition of “twerking” and infecting the eyeballs of millions, Miley Cyrus and her cry for help have earned a place on the list. Hopefully we’re nearing the end of her 15 minutes of fame.

8. What do Benghazi, park rangers, the IRS, uteruses and global warming have in common? Darryl Issa is an expert on all of ‘em. At least he pretends to be when this alleged arsonist and car thief chairs his House Oversight committee hearings.

9. Never do I love House Republicans more than when they’re gutting food stamps (aka Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program). Unless of course it’s when they’re taking the same drugs they accuse the poor of using their SNAP dollars to buy.

10. Oh, Mr. President, this hurts me more than it hurts you. With the Affordable Care Act, you’ve hand-delivered House Republicans and Conservative PACs their dreams come true. They worked so hard to crush Obamacare. If only the people you’d hired to construct the website had worked as hard to make it actually function.

11. When he’s not cruising for a bruising, Senator Ted Crapweasel Cruz is all over the place, oozing jackassery at every turn: starting talk of 2016 before we even get to 2014, crushing hopes of gun control in the Senate, denying climate change, and refusing aid to those hurt by natural disaster.

12. If jackassery were an Olympic event, Rob Ford would take the gold. And sell it to buy more crack.

13. The whole of Congress showed its jackassery in so many ways this year, it’s hard to narrow it down: being the least productive Congress ever; failing on immigration, gun control and much, much more; and of course, the shutdown shitshow. For being totally underwhelming, Congress is the cream of the jackassery crop.

14. Whether they’re saying Santa just is white, putting a countdown clock on anything that moves or just running around like lunatics on speed, what-passes-for-journalists in today’s 24-hour noose cycle just can’t be beat. Fox “News” makes me projectile vomit, CNN makes my right eye twitch and pretty much everyone other than NPR, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report is a waste of make-up and fake tan.

So farewell, 2013. You sucked monkey balls in far too many ways to enumerate. I’d say let’s hope 2014 will be better but since I’m too cynical for that, let’s just hope it’s as entertaining as 2013. And I’ve got a suggestion for Congress’ New Year’s Resolution: to be able to use the phrase “the American people” any politician must be able to name 25 of their constituents who aren’t relatives and/or campaign supporters. Failure to do so will result in said politician buying a round of drinks for 25 actual constituents.

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Hat Tips:

OWNKim Jong Un Looking At ThingsHuffington PostNew York TimesFox NewsThe Colbert ReportThe Daily Show, Image Credit: Flickr

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