Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,24 December 2013

The Snap:

This Christmas I really must do something about the help. I’ve told them repeatedly to breathe less frequently so they don’t inhale too much of the air I’ve imported from Tibet. And really, if they can’t find a way to quietly declaw the civet cats I’ve purchased to poop coffee I may have their families deported. Not the cats’ families! I’m not an inhumane monster! No, no, I meant the help’s families. Since it’s the season of giving, let’s check out some presents you can procure for the top .001%. It’s not too late to give them a present they’ll truly treasure before they have you escorted off their property for treading on their titanium dusted lawns.

The Download:

This holiday season, as you rush around buying presents for your loved ones, don’t forget your local bazillionaires. ‘Tis better to give than receive so here are some ludicrously expensive gifts to give:

1. One Amazing Truffle: This bad boy clocks in at $100 a piece but it’s totally worth it to add that je ne sais quoi (French for wallet full of crazy) flavor to your omelets made from free-range, bald eagle eggs.

2. Giddyup: There’s nothing the uber rich love more than riding around on the backs of the poor to play poverty polo. Unless of course, they’re riding on the backs of the poor on top this gorgeous Hermes saddle for $20,400.

3. The Best Poop of your Life: Been wondering how you could class up your time in the crapper? Well, wonder no longer, my friends. For a measly $425, you can take a pill that will literally cover your poop in gold. How does one follow such a turd? With a roll of golden toilet paper costing nearly $1.4 million, of course!

4. Be The Wealthiest Jackass on the Block: What’s more annoying than thinking someone is talking to you when they’re really having a convo with someone else via their Bluetooth? When that person is using a gold-and-diamond encrusted headset that costs $50,000.

5. Milton’s Pride and Joy: You know how possessive some people are about their red swingline staplers? Well maybe it’s because they’ve  filled those suckers with gold-plated staples. One cube will set you back about $80. That’s practically a steal!

6. Bling for Fido: Do you truly love your pet? If you do, you’ll sell your most vital organs so you can buy a lovely 52-carat collar for the bargain price of $1.8 million

7. Tundra Tots with Style: Don’t be one of those cruel parents who doesn’t dress their infants warmly enough for winter! This Christian Dior snowsuit will only set you back $880.

8. Agua for Assholes: It’s one thing to use filtered water. It’s quite another to use Kona Nigari concentrated water from Japan, at $33.50 per 2-oz. bottle

9. Breakfasts for Billionaires: A cool grand for a bagel? You betcha! Especially when this bagel at the Westin in New York is shmeared with white truffle cream cheese and goji berry-infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves.


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Hat Tips:

NPRThe WireHermesThe FriskyDesign TaxiBorn RichOoomsIncredible ThingsHarrodsLuxistThe Richest, Image Credit: Flickr

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