Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,17 December 2013

The Snap:

Gird your loins, ye stewards of all that is holy and white…er, right. We’re entrenched in the Yuletide Battle, where unholy non-Christians want to forcibly take your children’s Christmas presents and set fire to the nativity. Thankfully, Sarah Palin, Fox and Friends and other jihadists for Jesus are here to tie those heathens to a Christmas tree and make them listen to Joy to the World until they’re bleeding from the ears. I know there are a lot of questions about how people who celebrate Christmas will be persecuted and tortured, so let’s listen in on a town hall that I made up.

The Download:

Q. How comes all those atheists and Muslims are trampling on my rights to celebrate the birth of Christ? They keep wishing me, “Happy Holidays!” I won’t stand by while they ruin America.

A. Unless they’re punching you in the throat or making you listen to Sarah Palin’s book while they say, “Happy Holidays,” they’re not actually trampling on your rights. Wishing someone happy holidays isn’t the same as spitting on them, peeing on the Constitution or giving the Pope the middle finger. They’re hoping you’re happy. How is that bad?

Q. Why does the liberal media hate Jesus and American veterans? Why is Fox “News” the only one standing up for freedom?

A. Because the liberal media are soulless and live on unicorn blood.

Q. I knew it!

A. Um, seriously? Are you talking about Fox reporter Jesse Watters ambushing a town hall over that Christmas tree war memorial in Maine? You do know that one of the town council responsible for removing the memorial is an actual veteran (unlike Watters) and that the tree kept getting blown around and the lights all messed up, right? And that the Council had to shut Watters up so they could actually get anything done at their meeting.

Q. If you look at the map graphic Fox has created, you’ll see how Christmas is under attack all over this great Christian nation. You can’t argue with the facts!

A. That’s not really a question, but I’ll bite. Just because Fox puts something on a map (like the memorial mentioned above or the community that didn’t allow certain kinds of lights) doesn’t mean an actual attack happened. Preventing a public institution from showing overt religious preference isn’t a persecution; it’s patriotic. It’s exactly why the Founders wanted separation of church and state. If your life, safety or right to worship isn’t being threatened, you’re not persecuted.

Q. But…

A. No buts. And the facts? Seriously? Your champions at Fox think something is a fact just because they say it is.

You know who is being persecuted? The Syrian people. Homosexuals in Russia. Transgender people in America. Women in India. Too many people in too many places for you to whine about being persecuted because your local government won’t put a nativity up at the courthouse. Get a grip.

And Happy Holidays!

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Hat Tips:

The Daily ShowNew York NewsFox NewsBangor Daily NewsUSA TodayGawkerThe TelegraphThe New YorkerBBC, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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