Adrienne BoettingerThursday,10 October 2013

The Snap:

Because I love you all dearly, I’ll admit to a soon-to-be-not-so-secret shame: last week, I binge-watched The Vampire Diaries season 4. Don’t plan an intervention just yet. Although I watched every episode, I still bathed, walked my dog, left the house for (some) social occasions, wrote, made cocktails, etc. But it made me wonder why people — particularly women — are obsessed with vampires. Thankfully (?), I’m not alone. Let’s try to figure out why and if there’s any hope I and my fellow addicts can reform our ways.

The Download:

A few years ago, I mocked a friend mercilessly for her obsession with Twilight (here’s the premise in 20 seconds for those in a coma 2008-2012). The series was clearly produced for tweens/teens; how could sensible, adult women get sucked in? Then I read it and realized my friend was right in her evaluation: Twilight is love-crack for women. The writing is almost painful. There are moments when the acting is so stilted I cringe (particularly the talking wolves). Yet, I’ve read and watched the series more than I’d admit to anyone other than my therapist.

Of course, I’d always been a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but that’s because Joss Whedon is an evil genius and the dialogue was witty (plus Spike… mmm). And then I made the mistake of watching The Vampire Diaries’ portrayal of unbearably hot vamps sucking all the blood they could, knocking back the whiskey and having crazy vampire sex.

Why are vampires alluring? My dedication in the search for the truth is such that I looked high and low, even reading something from a Fox “News” Sexpert and AARP  to get to the bloody heart of the matter.

Most of it was too over-analytical and Freudian for me to even repeat. So I’ve boiled down the allure of vampire dramas for women 30+. Vampires are hot. Hot and brooding bad boys. They’re powerful, hot, have crazy good sex, never age, don’t have beer guts, are focused on your every breath, and aren’t real so there’s no way you can meet them in real life, find out they’ve got halitosis or clip their fingernails in their cubicles, etc.

Plus, these bad boys tend to do selfless things for their women. They vow to give up immortality, save her life repeatedly, resist the urge to use their charms on other ladies and are more romantic in one moment than the average man IRL is in his whole lifetime.

We also like stories, especially ones that keep us riveted from “Once Upon a Time” to the “Happily Ever After.” Vampire tales don’t show the petty fights or mundane events. They feature bad men who do good things for their women. The corrupted turn good and the incorruptible fall prey to the forces of evil. That shit is riveting! Plus, did I mention that the men are hot? And sensitive? And bad but in that “I’ll be good for you” kind of way?

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

VultureHuffington PostDr. HorribleForever Young AdultPsychology TodayFox “News,” AARPNew York MagazineHeart, Image Credit: Flickr

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