Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,1 October 2013

The Snap

The CDC is recommending that everyone planning to travel to Texas postpone their plans indefinitely. Neither the largeness of women’s hair nor the 72-oz steak challenge at The Big Texan is to blame. People currently in Texas are urged to drink only bottled water imported from somewhere safe like New Jersey. Drinking the water in Texas will cause you to speak only in nursery rhyme, children’s classic songs or the immortal words of Dr. Seuss. The danger is amplified if your name is Ted, Teddy, Ted-o-rama, or Theodore. At this time there is no known cure. The malady has struck the in-no-way-grandstanding Senator Crapweasel Cruz and Representative Ted Poe of the 2nd District of the Lone Star State, best known for being given the Heimlich while attempting to eat popcorn and having the weirdest signature known to man.

The Download

Is nothing sacred? Surely not the Constitution or any of the country’s laws, but for God’s sake do these asshats have to denigrate all that doesn’t suck in America? First Cruz appropriates Green Eggs and Ham as a cautionary tale against Obamacare, the poultry industry and delicious ham without realizing the story mocks those who decry something as awful before they even really try it. Then his colleague in the House takes over the classic, “Where Has My Little Dog Gone?” to deride the Senate (only the Dems of course – he wouldn’t hate on Ted and his bogus journey) for not coming in on Sunday to reject a bill that the House knew without a shadow of a doubt that the Senate would never pass.

In response (and because also, I’ve been drinking), I give you the following:

It’s the Congress Show with our very special guest star, The Queen of Everything!

It’s time to pass a budget

It’s time to earn your pay

It’s time to freaking govern on Capitol Hill today.


It’s time to put the mike down

It’s time to get to work

It’s time to stop being a completely worthless jerk.


Why do we keep electing you?

I guess we’ll never know

It’s like a kind of torture

Like a train wreck in slow-mo.


Dear lord please make it end soon!

Why are they all such buffoons?

Dear lord please make it end soon!

It’s the most ridiculous, so pernicious, not expeditious;

This is why the Beltway Really Blows!



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Hat Tips:

The Big TexanThe New YorkerHuffington PostThe HillWashington PostThe Muppet Show, Image Credit: George Skidmore on Flickr

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