Adrienne BoettingerFriday,27 September 2013

The Snap

As his faux-filibuster passed the 20-hour mark and we wondered if he was sporting adult diapers, many thought the award for This Month in Jackassery would go to 2-time champ and reigning crapweasel, Ted Cruz. It was a tough decision but the votes are in and the winner of This Month in Jackassery is (drum roll….) the entire Congress. Never afraid to lower expectations further or obliterate public confidence in the government, the judges felt we had to give it up for not just one tantrum-throwing gasbag, but all of them. For proving that there is no low too scummy to sink to and that beating the President is more important than actually governing: thanks, Capitol Hill!

The Download

Where to start…the obvious place is the idea that it’s worth shutting down the government — including the parts that actually function — to have a symbolic effect on a law that was passed by both houses, upheld by the Supreme Court, and that even its staunchest opponents agree will not be impeded by current efforts to defund it. But that isn’t enough for these superstars. No, they think that defeating President Obama (not in an election; that ship has sailed) is so vital to our nation’s future that it’s completely appropriate to encourage uninsured people to continue to go without health care.

Where would these plucky pioneers be without the patriotic Political Action Committees and other altruistic groups like Generation Opportunity? Well, they wouldn’t be elected of course because that’s who funds their campaigns but that’s another story entirely. They would have no one to create twisted ads featuring a demonic Uncle Sam wielding a speculum and rubber glove to tell young women and men that it’s better to go without health care and routine exams than to participate in Obamacare.

Thank God for the men and extremely few women that wacky voters keep sending back year after year while I dream of stapling things to the heads of elected officials and their constituents alike! Even though CrazyEyes McGee won’t be coming back in 2014 to predict that Obamacare will literally kill women, children and senior citizens, she has passed the baton to others to make insane-in-the-membrane statements on how Obamacare will lead to a giant apocalypse.  Thankfully other legislators eat their daily crazyflakes and are able to compare Obamacare to the Holocaust and the Fugitive Slave Act, and compare people who oppose Obamacare to Rosa Parks and the 12,000 American troops forced to participate in the Bataan Death March.

But before we reward our elected officials and they bravely lead us into a near total government shutdown, let’s sum up what they’ve accomplished this term. Hmmm…Budget? Nope. A Continuing Resolution? No way. Debt Ceiling? Hahahaha. Gun control? You’ve gotta be kidding! Climate change? Really, you should look into standup comedy! Immigration reform? You are killing me! Reform to mental health care? I’m laughing so hard that I am crying/hysterically sobbing.

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Hat Tips:

BloombergWonketteThe Atlantic WirePBSWashington PostHuffington Post, Image Credit: Flickr


  1. […] has been the inspiration for a lot of our best writing this year. Ted Cruz, for example, was the source of so much jackassery that we probably should have sent him something nice for […]

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