OUR FATHER WHO FARTS IN HEAVEN

OUR FATHER WHO FARTS IN HEAVEN

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,20 September 2013

The Snap:

As important dates approach for Congress in terms of making me want to hit myself in the head with a ballpeen hammer, I’ve been thinking about how many politicians are awful gasbags. Since I’m still on vaycay and in a near constant state of intoxication, that makes me think about the vast stores of natural gas we possess. Farts. Ass music. Belching. Anal acoustics. Everyone does it. One of my brothers can burp the entire alphabet — an act that makes me want to vomit copiously. But when should we be loud and proud and when should we aim for a little more modesty? Let’s explore!

The Download:

Every culture has things which are taboo to do in public. In Japan, you shouldn’t blow your nose. Don’t chew gum in Switzerland; it’s seen as vulgar. In the U.S., people aren’t supposed to fart in public. Well, mainly women. It’s considered indelicate. A former coworker thought that women were physically incapable of farting and that when we went to the bathroom, we made seashell-shaped soaps rather than defecate. On the other hand, men seem to revel in it to the point where setting one’s farts on fire is an art form, particularly at establishments decorated with kegs.

Even when you’re not talking about fracking, discussing natural gas can be controversial. If this is a natural thing that everyone does why is it so wrong to do in the open? The answer to that question is easy when it comes to what my grandmother referred to as “poopcracks;” it smells awfulsauce. Farting isn’t wrong but glorying in your malodorous posterior exhalations is a form of ass-terrorism that should be avoided when possible.

There’s not a lot of definitive etiquette for passing gas above or below. Most advice seems to be for the audience of said events. You’re supposed to pretend it didn’t happen, unless it’s someone like your boss who does it constantly and then you’re supposed to ask for a window seat. For the gas passer, your best bet is to try to get yourself to the restroom post haste but if you can’t be discreet, don’t blame it on others. I find that for a well-timed burp, shouting “Sweet Jesus!” or “Whoa, mama!” really helps to lighten the mood.

It’s clear that farting is so much worse than burping just by the sheer number of euphemisms they each have. There are 98 bajillion phrases for referring to farts and only like 3 for burping. Belching is allowed, nay almost encouraged, in some countries.  On the contrary, farting can get the cops called to your house. Or at least that’s the case in Michigan where a neighbor called the authorities to report domestic violence at her neighbor’s abode when he was actually just farting his ass off trying to annoy his girlfriend. (P.S. If it gets to the point that people mistake your farts for you beating the bejeezus out of your ladyfriend, you need to visit a doctor. STAT).

 

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Hat Tips:

Colbert NationMiss Manners (MSN)Huffington PostMSN NowThe Doctors, Image Credit: Flickr



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