Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,27 August 2013

The Snap:

What do Vladimir Putin, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, and Virginia gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli have in common? If you answered, they’re terrified of and yet obsessed with sodomy, you’re correct. Partial credit is also given for answering possession of dead, yet mesmerizing eyes. First of all, gubernatorial is a hilarious word and all elections should explicitly state the gooberishness of what they do to seemingly rational human beings. Now, back to sodomy. Ken Cuccinelli wants to outlaw anal and oral sex in Virginia and Bobby Jindal is the only goober, er, governor whose state continues to prosecute those who commit oral and anal sex; well, only if they are same-sex couples. And Pooty-Poot? He’s turned Russia into one big homophobic nightmare complete with a preemptive strike against freedom of speech at the 2014 Olympics in Sochi.

The Download:

As I’ve said in a previous post, homosexuals clearly have an evil plot for global domination and will force us to dress better and groom more. But now I learn from Louisiana and Virginia (not to mention 12 other states with anti-sodomy laws still on the books), that all those engaging in oral and anal sex — even married and unmarried heterosexuals  — are also soulless evil monsters. Or maybe it’s just that Jindal and Cuccinelli can’t get any action? Check out this HuffPost story from a 79-year old grandmother, calling out the Cooch and proudly proclaiming that she is guilty of sodomy.

Thankfully for the rest of the world, Jindal and the Cooch (trademarked title for my new sitcom idea of hilariously homophobic cops who secretly yearn for each other) have very little power outside of their states. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, Putin’s chokehold on power in Russia has implications far beyond the country’s borders.  The world’s finest athletes will be competing in the winter Olympics in Sochi in 2014. In a country where it is illegal to be LGBT or talk about LGBT issues.

Russia is far from the only country with anti-gay laws. A UN Report from 2011 indicated that at least 76 countries still had anti-gay laws on the books.  In Uganda, being gay can result in prison sentences of 14 years to life. It can get you killed in Iran. In Jamaica, it’s only illegal if you’re male and homosexual, perhaps because of straight men’s obsession with lesbians.

In related news, there is even more proof that dogs are better than people. Russia may lose its role as site of the 2016 World Dog Show because of its anti-gay laws. The American Kennel Club was especially vocal in its opposition to Russia’s discriminatory law, urging the organizers to move the show “to a nation that respects and upholds human rights for all its citizens.”

If only the world’s politicians had as much balls as the AKC, maybe Pooty-Poot would think twice before enacting such an inhumane law and enforcing it while all the world is watching — or at least the few people who actually watch coverage of the Winter Olympics.

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Hat Tips:

SlateThe Times-PicayuneThe Atlantic WireThe Washington PostThe WeekHuffington PostNational GeographicMSN, Image Credit: Flickr

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