Adrienne BoettingerThursday,8 August 2013

The Snap:

Whilst I continue to labor in what a former coworker referred to as “The Sadness Factory,” I dream up other possible professions. When that same coworker bemoaned the barrels of bullshit she’s dealing with as her wedding nears, inspiration struck! Move over life coaches, professional cuddlers and line-waiters! I’ve found the next big-time moneymaking career: Wedding Enforcer. I’m not talking about a matchmaker with a shotgun, making sure no one gets cold feet. A Wedding Enforcer prevents people from making the couple’s lives a living hell. Think Miss Manners with an attitude and fists made for punching.

The Download:

People are awful. I often prefer my dog to most humans. And nothing brings out the evil like a wedding. Although I remain single (somewhere in Baltimore my mother weeps quietly), many friends have gotten hitched and each friend’s wedding was stressful in some capacity. Sometimes small mishaps or natural disasters but I’d say the bulk was caused by their own family and friends.

If it’s your wedding, you get to make the decisions. Don’t want to invite children? Don’t. Want a destination wedding? Fine. Don’t want to allow “plus one’s”? Okay. Want to skip having an open bar or cake? I probably won’t show up but feel free to make your own poor choices.

I have a friend who was told her cousin was “literally shaking because she’s so upset children aren’t invited.” I’ve heard of guests bringing their uninvited families along, chastising the couple for their wedding location or choice of entrees, and an evil crone not wanting the bride’s burn-victim father to attend the ceremony. I’m pretty sure the future mother-in-law for that last one is soulless. As for the rest, if you don’t like the destination, food type, or fact that the bride doesn’t want your toddler pooping in the middle of the aisle DON’T GO.

Here is what I will offer as Wedding Enforcer: I will deal with all the loons so you don’t have to. I will be merciless. I will act as a baby bouncer and physically prevent your second-cousin from entering the church with her screaming infant. If your mother freaks about the guest list, I will knock her out. Your fiancée’s ex tries to cause a scene — I will come at her like a spider monkey. If anyone gives you crap for the valid choices you make about your wedding, I will unleash a six-pack of nuptial whupass that will have them crying for their mommies.

Now, if you turn all bridezilla and demand your guests learn a specific dance or get huffy because someone can’t afford to come to your expensive destination wedding, I may slap you because you’ve gone to the dark side. But keep it real and I will bust my butt to make sure that anyone who attempts to mess with you and your Big Day doesn’t get the chance. That is why they call me, THE WEDDING ENFORCER.

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Hat Tips:

SlateGawkerWashington Post, Image Credit: Flickr

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