Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,6 August 2013

The Snap:

Carbs are bad! Or possibly good? And fat is bad! Or maybe not? You could get whiplash trying to keep up with the latest dieting crazes. Pick up any magazine and sandwiched between 5 Ways to Spice Up Your Relationship and 10 Ultimate Chocolate Recipes, you’ll find articles claiming that whatever you used to think would make you thin will chunk you up. It chaps my hide more than realizing that my evil coworker ate the last good doughnut. It feels hopeless, especially when you read articles telling you the exact reason why you can no longer fit in your jeans and find that it’s something you should have known all along.

The Download:

Don’t Be So Stressed Out. Did you know that being perpetually anxious was bad for you? Of course you did, but did you also realize it’s probably the root cause of your chocolate habit? Apparently instead of trance-eating through tight deadlines or eating our feelings, we’re supposed to de-stress via yoga, exercise, meditation, drinking, walking or getting a massage. Okay, the drinking method probably isn’t good. But it sounds better than all the others except the massage.

Sleep A Lot. It’s harder to eat when you’re sleeping. Unless you’re one of those sleep-eaters and then I fear you’re screwed. Health magazines have decided we never realized that sleeping 4 hours or less a night and making it through the day by freebasing coffee is not the best way to live. They say helpful things like: get more sleep. Oh, sure, in between working, cooking, cleaning, commuting, yodeling, or whatever the hell it is that keeps you busy, you’re going to have time to sleep. Make time. Maybe you need to build a little cubby under your desk at work a la Costanza? Whateva. Get off Candy Crush or whatever game you’re playing and catch some zzz’s.

Stop Eating So Much And Don’t Eat Fake Food. Anything claiming to be “xtra cheezy” or having an expiration date of several years in the future isn’t real food. Don’t put it in your body. And stop trying to put as much food in your body as possible. Sadly, you won’t lose weight if your only exercise is the bicep curl it takes to get the ice cream into your mouths. I’m not a fan of eating 4-6 small meals a day because often my definition of a small meal is a sundae or french fries. If that works for you though, more power to you. Just make sure you eat enough because if you’re too skinny I’ll have to slap you. I’ll be cranky because I’m eating less so don’t give me a reason to knock you out.

Do all this and you’ll slim down in no time. Okay, that may not be true for you. But do all this and odds are you’ll be healthier and happier than if you try some juice cleanse or having a procedure to make eating painful.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

ABC News, Huffington Post, Image Credit: Flickr

Subscribe to get updates delivered to your inbox