Adrienne BoettingerThursday,25 July 2013

The Snap:

To get a good career you used to just have to go to college. Now you have to get into the best nursery school, or you won’t get into the best primary school, and then you’ll blow your chances of getting into the perfect high school and have absolutely no shot of getting into a decent college. So basically you can be totally screwed for your entire life if, when you’re a toddler, your parents don’t teach you Japanese, give you flashcards on astrophysics and get your diapered butt into violin lessons. The same thing is happening with elections. We keep making the must-start-campaign-by-date earlier and earlier. And thus Ted Cruz goes to Iowa 3 years ahead of the caucus there. For this and for many other reasons, I’m designating him as the two-time all-star in This Month in Jackassery.

The Download:

In earlier posts, I’ve discussed my obsession with “The West Wing;” as Congress becomes ever more ridiculous, I watch President Bartlett open six-packs of whupass on his fictional Congress to get them to pass a damn budget. It’s really masterful and makes me think that Aaron Sorkin should be called into write some of our laws, especially when Ted and Friendz are threatening to shut down the federal government if Obamacare isn’t defunded.

That’s right, folks; no longer happy with just screwing millions of poor people and federal employees through the sequester — which will be featured in next week’s post — the good ol’ boys are going to shut down the entire government if they don’t get their way. Senator Crapweasel is throwing another tantrum and this time he’s going to take everyone down with him.

Although I shouldn’t have to say it, it is 2013. It’s barely been a half-year since we survived a campaign season that felt like a splenectomy sans anesthesia and yet people are gearing up for an election THREE YEARS FROM NOW!!! Sorry, it really felt like it required all caps as I don’t think I’ll be able to make it if we start the campaigns this early. Can’t we let those sorry bastards in Iowa rest for another year? Must they suffer thru 36 months of this cray-cray?

The thing is Cruz makes me highly nervous. Although he seems like an incompetent loon and often looks like he’s in severe gastrointestinal distress, he has cast a spell over Texan voters and I fear others may be susceptible to his hypnotic charms. Maybe it’s like Forbes says and he is a mastermind at amping up previously paranoid people with tales like that if marriage equality becomes the law of the land, everyone’s First Amendment rights will be trampled. To this I have to say puh-lease.

He’s trying to get the under informed and overly anxious to overdose on his prescription of crazysauce whilst I hope against hope that the American electorate has a little more sense than that. Which one of us is right? Guess we’ll just have to wait until 2016 to see.

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Hat Tips:

Salon, Washington Post, Slate, Huffington Post, Saturday Night Live, Forbes, Image Credit: Flickr


  1. […] if he was sporting adult diapers, many thought the award for This Month in Jackassery would go to 2-time champ and reigning crapweasel, Ted Cruz. It was a tough decision but the votes are in and the winner of […]

  2. […] that’s fine for her to say, but my precious angel will throw a temper tantrum rivaling that of Senator Crapweasel if she isn’t a princess again this year. I can’t say as I blame her. That’s all we show […]

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