Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,18 June 2013

The Snap:

Watch the news on any given day and you’ll quickly want to curl into the fetal position and weep. Everyone agrees: everything is one ginormous pile of suck lately. From wildfires ravaging Colorado to the unthinkable loss of life in Syria to thieves targeting grieving families at funerals—it’s difficult to find anything positive out there. My news crush Brian Williams gamely tries to feature one tiny story to brighten our day but even he seems to be struggling to find a ray of sunshine in this horrific festival of crap. Well, I’ve got the answer to all of our problems: puppies and kittens.

The Download:

We shouldn’t need scientific studies to tell us that pets are good for our health, but if we did need them, there are plenty out there. Pets help decrease high blood pressure and anxiety, stop students from having freakouts over exams, and provide comfort during times of tragedy. Some pets literally save our lives. Just looking at pictures or videos of adorable animals can make people more productive at work.

It’s time to harness this into something truly wonderful. So when I am Queen of Everything, we’ll use pets to promote peace. I know you’re thinking, “Adrienne, that’s highly alliterative but I don’t get it. How will pets make us more peaceful? We’ve had pets for bajillions of years and yet we waste our lives in awful things like war.” Let me explain my idea in greater detail.

Imagine an acrimonious meeting between soon-to-be-ex-spouses fighting over who gets the house. Now imagine that someone walks in with a basket of kittens and puppies. You know what will happen: the humans will start cooing over the furry bundles of love and stop fighting. Now picture a highway full of angry commuters, stuck in rush-hour traffic and hell-bent on not letting anyone merge into their lane even if it means crashing their car. Suddenly, people appear on the side of the road to hand out kittens and puppies. People will get out of their cars to run and play in the fields and median strips with delightful doggies and comical kittens.

“Alright,” you’re thinking, “that’s all well and good, but you can’t take baskets of kittens into a war torn country and just expect everyone to stop fighting.” In those situations, teams of highly trained audiovisual professionals will beam videos of playful pups and kittens onto the sides of buildings and drop adorable posters of kittens playing with balls of string or puppies sleeping on top of each other. All warring parties would throw down their weapons, entranced by the images and get sucked into watching hours of cat videos while my minions would come and steal their weapons and replace them with pet adoption forms.

In the meantime, improve your mood and the moods of those around you by volunteering at an animal shelter, fostering/adopting a pet, or volunteering with your pet.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Denver PostBBCTodayNBC NewsWebMDUSA TodayNewtown BeeHuffington PostDiscovery ChannelMashableDaily MailBuzzfeed, Image Credit: Flickr

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