WHEN I AM QUEEN OF EVERYTHING: TAKING THE STINK OUT OF SHOWERS

WHEN I AM QUEEN OF EVERYTHING: TAKING THE STINK OUT OF SHOWERS

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,14 June 2013

The Snap:

Let’s establish upfront that I am a bitter, bitter crone. That’s what you’ll be thinking anyway once I reveal my non-womanly trait of hating showers. To be clear, I don’t mean showers involving water… except the one I had at a spa where in the middle of the procedure, a grim-faced “technician” hosed me down with cold water as if I were livestock. I mean the wedding and baby variety of shower. I was going to keep my loathing of these events semi-private until I found out that people invented a whole new one: a gender reveal shower.

The Download:

Before I get going, let me state that I’m not averse to weddings, I actually love children and I’m supremely happy to help those nearest and dearest to me celebrate these life-changing events. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

There is no shower for singletons. No event where people rain gifts upon you that you’ve selected at stores of your choice with one of those registry gun-thingies. Several of your friends — for whom you have planned and attended multiple showers and nuptial/birth events with gifts in hand — will forget your birthday even as they invite you to their child’s half-birthday party or their 3rd child’s gender reveal party. Plus most of the baby/child related soirees won’t even provide liquor. Then there are the games.

Ohdearlord, there are few things more awful than baby shower games. As indicated above, there’s rarely booze so it won’t be a drinking game but you’ll wish you were drunk once you have to guess what type of baby food is in a jar by its smell. If you’re not looking in diapers to determine which candy bar has been melted into which diaper, you’re guessing how large the mother-to-be’s stomach has grown. All so you can win a candle, soap or lotion.

Your only hope is that it will be co-ed. If you’re anything like me, all the estrogen from a traditional shower plus the oohing-and-aahing over dish towels for the new couple or nipple cream for the mom-to-be will make you want to stab yourself with a pen just so you can leave and go to the emergency room. If the shower’s co-ed, odds are there won’t be dumbass games, you’ll have access to food before gifts are opened, and there will be some medicinal libations to help you survive.

When I’m Queen of Everything, all wedding and baby showers will be co-ed, short, game-less and have alcohol. Attention-stealing witches will not be allowed to usurp the spotlight away from the couple or expectant parent(s) by bringing or bragging about their genius offspring or perfect spouses. And all singletons will get to have at least one massive party with a gift registry from which his or her friends and family will purchase offerings to celebrate that singleton’s awesomeness.


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Hat Tips:

ParentsiVillagePeople I Want To Punch In The ThroatBabbleShine, Image Credit: Tricia Wang (Flickr)



Trackbacks

  1. […] I’ve mentioned before, I’m a bitter, bitter crone sans hubs and kidlets so I don’t have the privilege of hauling my cookies on a 6+ hour car ride […]

  2. […] holiday to celebrate the single life sounds pretty righteous. The average singleton has been to 138 wedding and baby showers, actual weddings, gender reveal parties, etc. and has spent god knows how many of her hard-earned ducats buying crap from her friends’ […]

  3. […] “I love baby shower games!” I’ve been up front with my feelings about wedding and baby showers, namely that they should be co-ed, have alcohol and not have idiotic […]

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