Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,4 June 2013

The Snap:

Shakespeare once asked, “What’s in a name?” A recent encounter made me want to ask, “Do certain names predispose people to be complete douchebags?”  In other words, are people held hostage by the names they’re given and shouldn’t be blamed when they turn out the way they do? How much can we really blame our parents for before we’re just labeled as total whiners?

The Download:

A few weekends ago I met a 5-year old boy who was a complete jerk. I know, you’re thinking I’m a bitch but he was awful. I was helping a friend set up an elaborate arrangement for a wedding ceremony and this kid was running around like a maniac, loudly repeating that he was going to karate chop the arrangement. Next he’d leap through the air, coming perilously close to kicking said arrangement while his father pretended nothing was happening. Then I heard the poor child was named Roscoe and it made me feel I had to cut him some slack as there is almost no way this kid is destined for greatness.

People seem to have lost their damned minds when it comes to naming their offspring. I mean, seriously, if you look at your baby girl and decide to name her “Anally,” I’m pretty sure your daughter should be taken away from you and you should go to prison for a very long time.  If you agree with me you may want to move to New Zealand.

Don’t get me wrong, of course I’m a major fan of the hard-earned freedom to be the biggest idiots we can, but there’s something to be said for the government of New Zealand drawing a line and saying you can be an idiot but you can’t take your kids down with you. In early May, the country listed 77 names as verboten, including “Anal,” “V8,” and “4Real.” Meanwhile, U.S. baby names recently included “Assia,” “Goodness,” “Younique,” and “Carrion.”

It seems like some criminals almost can’t help getting in trouble with the names they’re given. A 2008 study from Shippensburg University found that boys with unpopular names were more likely to be referred to juvie.  Jackmeoff Mudd was never going to be a brilliant research scientist, Mister Love was destined to be a sex offender, and Daniel Noody couldn’t help exposing himself.

It’s possible to overcome a bad name. Look at Dick Swett… yes, that’s his real name. Good old Dick Swett represented New Hampshire’s 2nd District in Congress and became the U.S. Ambassador to Denmark. Granted, Bill Clinton was Prez then but still, not too shabby for Dick Swett. I just can’t stop saying that name.

Moral of the story, choose wisely when naming your kids. And kids, if your parents are so cruel as to name you “Dick Tips” get your butt to the courthouse and change your name. Or be so awesome that everyone wants to be named Dick Tips. Those are your only options.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Christian Science MonitorHuffington PostTimeCracked, Image Credit: Flickr

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