Adrienne BoettingerFriday,24 May 2013

The Snap:

When I was a kid, I loved to swim — especially to dive in, swim to the edge of the pool, and jump right off the diving board again. That changed sometime around middle school when I “realized” that people thought of me as the fat girl. Now I understand it’s unlikely that everyone around me was aghast at the sight of me in a swimsuit but that’s what it felt like then. Still, many years later, there are two words I fear more than any others except “cicada infestation;” namely, swimsuit season.

The Download:

In the summertime, I generally refuse to be photographed from the neck down. I despise how I look in shorts but that’s nothing compared to how I feel about donning a swimsuit. Like a lot of women I know, I read those hateful “how to get ready for swimsuit season” articles that feature pictures of women that I could easily bench press despite my lack of upper body strength and I wonder, will I ever look like them or even be comfortable with my appearance in a swimsuit?

Well, when I am Queen of Everything, I will wonder no longer. Not because I will have emergency liposuction for my entire body (although that is an intriguing idea) but because there will be only two types of swimsuits allowed in public. The “classic” version will be a dress covering the wearer from neck to ankles. It will be made out of a thick material and will feature a framework to make it pouf out from the waist to the ground so that it will not cling to the wearer’s body when she attempts to exit the pool, lake, ocean, etc. It will be high-necked and have long sleeves that billow out. The “sporty” version will involve a modest scoop neck, flattering cap sleeves and will be knee-length but also have the framework to help it pouf out. Both styles will be available in the following colors: puke green, fluorescent yellow, and gray. These choices will be mandatory for both men and women.

Until the fashion industry and “news” organizations can recognize that the average woman is a size 14, and offer swimsuits that don’t make the wearers feel too ashamed to sit on the goddamned beach without hiding their entire bodies in the sand, I fear my plan is the only option. Will this be heavy to wear and possibly result in some near-drownings? Probably, but that is a risk I’m willing to take… Oh, alright, I’ll work on a modification that will include a mechanism to inflate the garment if the wearer begins to drown. The proceeds from the sales of these garments will be used to send emergency cheese fries, onion dip, fudge and milkshakes to those poor models who haven’t eaten since they were toddlers. The rest will be used to buy the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch a brain. 

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Hat Tips:

Huffington PostGlamourThe Ellen Degeneres ShowFox “News”, Image Credit: Flickr

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