Adrienne BoettingerFriday,26 April 2013

The Snap:

I have spent the bulk of my waking life as an adult in a variety of cube farms. Hmmm…that was perhaps the most depressing sentence ever written…but I digress. Most of these cubicles were in open plan offices which are supposed to promote collaboration but which really breed extreme loathing. When I am Queen of Everything, office etiquette training will be mandatory. Break the rules and you’ll be forced to listen to people discuss gastrointestinal ailments while coworkers reheat fish in a nearby microwave.

The Download:

I have categories of crushes, such as financial, intense actor, foreign correspondent, old British actor, cooking, musician, tall funnyman, and The Edge (he gets his own category). I also have categories of arch nemeses including gym, post office, deli, and reporter. But none of these compare with my new cube-neighbor arch nemesis who, for the purposes of this article, we’ll call Dick.

Dick tragically swallowed a megaphone earlier in life. That’s the only way to explain the loudness of his voice.  He divides his day between complaining on teleconferences about how nobody works anymore and talking on personal calls about looking for new jobs and being hungover. Lately he has taken to singing and/or whistling while tapping his feet and I have taken to sticking my fingers in my ears and reminding myself that violence isn’t the answer…yet.

Dick isn’t the first, well, dick that has made me want to kick him in the head. While the majority of my coworkers have been delightful, I’ve observed a lot of awful behavior that has prompted me to establish the following Office Etiquette Rules:

1. Conduct personal grooming at home or at least not where I can see you. This includes but is not limited to: fingernail and toenail clipping, nose and/or teeth picking, adjusting one’s junk, popping zits.

2. Discussions about bowel movements are verboten.

3. Heating seafood = workplace terrorism.

4. Don’t interrupt people constantly.

5. Don’t walk around singing or humming this song or this one.

6. Don’t burn popcorn. In fact, stop making it altogether because you always burn it.

7. Stop singing in the bathroom. It’s creepy.

8. Wash your damn hands!

9. Don’t hook up with coworkers; if you do, don’t turn into a duke of douchebaggery.

10. Use tissues for nose-blowing and then throw them in the trashcan.

11. Don’t buy French fries or other food that smells good unless you intend to share.

12. Don’t sleep at your desk or in meetings.

13. Don’t steal people’s lunches.

14. Clean up after yourself in kitchen and other common areas.

15. Learn to whisper, speak more quietly or give up speaking altogether.

Any others you’d like to add? Feel free to suggest and I will consider them when I become Queen of Everything. Rest assured, I will rule with an iron fist but I will never make you fill out a new cover sheet for your TPS reports.

Take Action!

Hat Tips:

Office SpaceThe MuppetsRick Astley, Image Credit: Flickr


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