Adrienne BoettingerMonday,15 April 2013

The Snap:

It seemed impossible but NBC found another way to suck. The Peacock really should stick to reruns of “Parks & Rec” and “The Office.” The new NBC “reality” show, “Ready for Love,” had depressing ratings despite being the guilty pleasure of Gwyneth Paltrow (advice for Mrs. Coldplay: never piss off Joan Rivers. She lives on unicorn blood and baby tears and will put you in cement shoes for your next red-carpet-walk). I managed to watch one whole commercial for “Ready for Love” without projectile vomiting but I can’t say I was tempted to tune in. As a veteran of the singles scene war, I’d rather wake up with my head sewn to the carpet than watch that train-wreck.

The Download:

To quote the ineffable Pat Benatar,” Love is a Battlefield” and apparently one that NBC is crashing on kamikaze-style. Three highly-paid professional matchmakers who apparently come with their own wind machines are matchmaking for 3 average bachelors: the front-man for a platinum-selling band who wrote a song that makes me want to stick my hand in a meat-grinder, a successful architectural engineer turned philanthropist, and a bajillionaire with businesses in Dubai and whose talent is staring off-camera pensively.

Let me tell you, these 3 are not representative of the pool of single men available to average women. As someone who has been on dates not just with a man afraid of electricity but also one who didn’t like food or people, I would have crapped my pants had any of the guys from this show appeared on one of my countless blind dates. And to be totally honest, I am nothing like the slender-yet-cleavy gorgeous girls on the show whose favorite things include long walks on the beach and celery.

I’ve never been much for “reality” shows, particularly matchmaking ones. I’m flabbergasted that The Bachelor and Bachelorette are still on (despite the former having a success rate of 16% in terms of couples staying together). I think “Love Broker” has already tanked. Or maybe that was “Making Mr. Right” or whatever crap producers come up with next.

I don’t think America would be able to stomach the reality that is real dating and matchmaking. Like how you never know if your date will lunge across the table and try to choke you, start clipping his toenails in the restaurant, or bring his mom along. That is reality not for the faint of heart.

When I am Queen of Everything, there will be two main reality shows: the Big Brother-style show I want to film with the world’s worst dictators and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” which was just a really good show.  Also, contestants on matchmaking shows will look real and Donald Trump will have to eat his own toupee whenever he spouts any birther nonsense.

Hat Tips:

Vulture, NBC, Huffington Post, E, Jezebel, MTV, Wet Paint, Vh1, Time

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