MY OWN PERSONAL HELL

MY OWN PERSONAL HELL

Adrienne BoettingerMonday,8 April 2013

The Snap:

Do you know where I can rent a biohazard suit? The ones I saw online were either crazy expensive or did not look sturdy. I also need one for my dog. This is a matter of some urgency because soon I will be unable to leave my house without serious protective garments. That’s because one of the things I fear most (less than sharks and elevators but more than geese) is nearly upon us. Beware fellow east coasters: the cicada is a-comin’.

The Download:

I’m sort of an idiot when it comes to time. Flying to Panama City Beach for a friend’s bachelorette party (the theme involved tequila, avoiding being abducted by old grabby bikers, and falling asleep to the sound of the bachelorette’s sister’s breast pump), I was convinced that the flight from Atlanta to Florida would take 5 minutes because I didn’t figure on a time change of an hour in there somewhere. The flight attendant thought I was insane. I routinely underestimate how much time it will take me to meet up with friends in DC despite having suffered through a decade of evil traffic. I’m just bad at time.

So I have only myself to blame for not realizing it was time for the 17 year cicada to wreak havoc on my nerves. Plus, I must shamefacedly admit that I thought these little bastards only came around every 17 years. Maybe these particular bastards do but there are plenty of others that operate on different schedules. It’s like my own personal hell.

I have distinct memories of being in school during a Brood X batch of cicadas and pretty much wanting to never leave my house. There was one boy who tortured girls by trying to drop them down the back of our school blouses. EW!!!! He got his comeuppance when one flew directly into his mouth as he was laughing about making a girl cry. Gah, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth contemplating this atrocity.

Apparently I’m in the minority as everyone else seems to be pleased as punch that these things are back. Radiolab wants people to help them track cicadas by monitoring ground temperature as cicadas emerge when it hits 64 degrees. They want to track them not to figure out when humans should evacuate but because they like the things. Discovery wants me to not eat anything given to me by potential pranksters (aka my brothers) as apparently people like to eat these monsters. National Geographic doesn’t want me to step outside my door as they warn me of the bloodcurdling crunchy sound underfoot as the streets, sidewalks, fields, etc. are covered in millions of dead cicada husks.

Just so that I don’t have nightmares about the super scary videos of cicadas on YouTube I couldn’t resist watching, enjoy a funnier look at A Cicada’s Life. See you sometime in the summer when it’s safe to emerge.

Hat Tips:

NPR, Cicada Mania, New York Times, Discovery, National Geographic, Funny Or Die, Image Credit: Flickr

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  1. […] previously written about things that scare the bejeezus out of me, like cicadas, sharks, elevators, and geese. One fear I hadn’t really written about before is terrorism. I […]

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