DASHING DESPOTS AND THE DEATH OF A DREAM

DASHING DESPOTS AND THE DEATH OF A DREAM

Adrienne BoettingerFriday,15 March 2013

The Snap:

Hugo Chavez’ passing is another nail in the coffin of my dream reality show featuring wacky, depraved, autocratic leaders in the same house, competing for audience approval. My ideal cast is Hugo, Kim Jong-il, Gaddafi, Putin, Ahmadinejad, Castro, and of course Mao. Except for Pootie-Poot and Mahmoud, now it’d be a Weekend at Bernies-esque show (Fidel is still kicking but not feisty enough). Don’t get me wrong, a show with the two still on this mortal coil would rock; maybe they’d joust, create performance art, or share their feelings by a campfire. Throw in Kim Jong-un and you’d really have magic. But how does one become an omnipotent sociopath with the charisma to hold a nation captive? What makes a Mao?

The Download:

Is it Putin’s mesmerizing baby blues? Is it Ahmadinejad’s resemblance to a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal? What is it about these crazy bastards that seems to hold the world in their thrall? I mean sure, they’re all elected into office so it’s not like they…hmmm…okay, maybe those weren’t the fairest of elections. But still they hold onto power more tenaciously than Paul Ryan holds onto the hope that the 2012 elections were just a bad dream. How can they keep their creepy stranglehold on authority? Sure, Gaddafi eventually got his but the rest of them were only bested by Time.

Or were they? In a move harkening back to Mao and Lenin, Chavez was supposed to be preserved for all eternity. Unfortunately the mourners decided on this plan a tad too late to keep him looking his best in the afterlife. I wonder what Putin’s plans are for his date with destiny. He probably thinks he can achieve immortality. Maybe that’s why he’s become besties with the exceedingly spiritual Steven Seagal. Not just to bring the sexy back in Moscow but to teach him how to choose his best next life in reincarnation.

I guess I should be comforted that although America’s current leaders are responsible for Ginormous Jackassery (aka the so-called sequestration…drink up, bitches!), the crimes they perpetrate are more of laziness and political grandstanding than the heinous sadistic acts committed by the dashing despots described earlier. Our peaceful transition of power may not have the glamour of Kim Jong-il being declared Eternal Chairman but maybe that’s an honor we can live without.

Let’s see how far this “it can always be worse” argument can take us in coming to terms with the powers that be in the government. I’m willing to give it a shot. It seems far more reasonable than actually expecting America’s leaders to, hmmm…what are they supposed to do again? Oh yeah, lead.

Hat Tips:

Saturday Night LiveCNNSalon, Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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Trackbacks

  1. […] there will be two main reality shows: the Big Brother-style show I want to film with the world’s worst dictators and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” which was just a really good show.  Also, contestants on […]

  2. […] There will be two main reality shows: the Big Brother-style show I want to film with the world’s worst dictators and “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” which was just a really good show.  Also, contestants on […]

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