Adrienne BoettingerFriday,8 February 2013

The Snap:

It’s been a while since I’ve paid as much attention to John Boehner as I should. I don’t want him to feel neglected or doubt the depth of emotion that he stirs within me.  So a little over two months since I explained why I want to staple things to his head and just a few weeks before he and his fellow Congressmen (emphasis on the CON) sink us through sequestration, I’ve decided to catch up with my friend and yours, John Boehner.

The Download:

Dear John,

Do you mind if I call you John? You seem so gosh darn down-to-earth that it would feel strange to address you more formally. Anyways, it’s been way too long so I just wanted to catch up and see how you were doing.

You had me rolling when you said, in reference to the “Washington” of which you are so clearly not a part, that you’ve “watched them kick this can [aka its spending problem] for 22 years,” you’ve had enough of it and “it is time to act.” Really Mr. Speaker, you just slay me! When was the last time there was a balanced Federal Budget again? Oh, that’s right, during President Clinton’s administration.

So much has happened since we last talked. Let’s see, it’s been about 38 days since you helped us avert the Fiscal Cliff (L’chei-im!) and 22 days until you’ll help us into some of the worst across-the-board spending cuts since, gosh, I don’t know when! You must be so busy right now. I forget — why are we facing the sequestration? Huh, this can’t be right; it can’t be because Congress decided that this was such a horrible idea that it would be a good motivator to control the budget but then couldn’t agree on how to get the budget under control. There must be some other reason like haters of job creation or America’s dependence on foreign oil.

It’s been 56 days since Newtown and I’ve been so heartened to see all of the bipartisan agreements that you’re leading the efforts on. Hmm, it actually looks like we’re even farther divided and the absolutists are ruling the day. That must be a mistake. And surely, there’s no way that there’s been over 1600 American gun deaths since Newtown.  But it’s so heartwarming to see that you’ve maintained your ‘A’ rating from the NRA.

I know we’ve had our ups and downs, John, like when I’ve talked about you being the only representative for the Oompa Loompa contingent or I’ve wondered if your tanning addiction has impacted your lacrimal glands, but I only kid because I care.



p.s. Please tell Senator McConnell that I hope he gets over whatever intestinal illness he has that makes him look like a constipated weasel.

p.p.s. So clever when you told Senator Reid, “go fuck yourself.” That is always the best way to get someone to reach a compromise.

Hat Tips:

New York TimesCNNTimeSlateOn The Issues, Image Credit: Flickr

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  2. […] So John Boehner and other political heavyweights have a plan! They will refuse to raise THE DEBT CEILING unless a virgin is sacrificed under the light of a full moon while Barbara Streisand sings “The Way We Were.” Oh, wait, that’s their plan for something else. They will refuse to raise THE DEBT CEILING unless President Obama agrees to budget cuts equal to the amount THE DEBT CEILING will have to be raised to pay off all of Congress’ obligations. Plus, they want to throw in the sequester to really force the President’s hands. […]

  3. […] of the past several months, we haven’t checked in on Head Oompa Loompa and Lacrimal Leader, John Boehner. We could take the coward’s way out and say that it’s been easy to forget about the Speaker as […]

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