Hanes HallbirnSaturday,19 January 2013

The Snap:

Hi Everyone! I’m sending this note to you from the year 2113! Don’t worry so much about how I’m pulling it off, but suffice it to say that it’s similar in concept to what Robert Zemeckis depicted in Back To The Future (the actual mechanics are too complicated for your un-bioengineered brains to compute — you all were so primitive back then — but you get the gist). Anyway, it turns out that Ray Kurtzweil’s vision of building  “computers that mimic the architecture of the human mind and eventually to construct machines that surpass our mortal limits” proved correct! So here I am, in the year 2113, a reconstructed version of Hanes’ brain in computer form, sending this note back to clarify a thing of two for humanity.

The Download:

Let me get the bad news out the way: I have no stock tips for you (well, at least no specific ones… but I do have a hint at the end of this article). We all abide by a strict code of ethics in the future that precludes us from sharing information about stock prices. But I do have some useful information for you, so listen up.

And here it is: We’re all laughing our asses off when we read through the history of how you guys persecuted star athletes for taking Performance-enhancing Drugs (PEDs). LOLZ all around! These days, PEDs are as much of part of the average American diet as pizza was back in 2013. We all take them — not just athletes! Engineers take them. Teachers take them. Police officers take them. Bankers take them (actually, we don’t have bankers anymore, but I’m trying to use examples that make sense to you). We even give our kids daily doses of PEDs, so they not only grow up big and strong, but also have increased levels of endurance.

So seriously, everyone, take a collective chill pill and ease up on your witch hunts of athletes for their PED use. I mean, I guess I can see going after Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds for lying (which, by the way, is a foreign concept to us these days, because the smart chips that humans have embedded into their bodies stream their entire existence in real-time). But in 2113, we admire Armstrong and Bonds as misunderstood pioneers of the PED movement.

Stop and think for a moment. PEDs make people perform better and decrease the recovery time from stressful physical activity. These are good things! Now granted, the PEDs used back in 2013 and earlier were primitive versions that had some undesirable side effects (testicle shrinkage — ouch!), but we’ve ironed out those inconveniences in the future. And now, PEDs are one part of a multi-pronged strategy to improve humanity’s health, which includes stem cell re-use, electronic implants for real-time medical analysis, genetically-modified food, and advanced forms of custom bioengineering (thanks 23andMe!).

Hopefully these insights about life in the future provide some perspective on the “crimes” that the PED trailblazers of your time have committed. The whole idea that Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and others somehow “cheated” by taking PEDs is comical by 2113 standards. We’re all laughing long and hard at your moral outrage and prudish behavior.

Now that I’ve cleared that up, here is a bit more about the future. Self-driving cars are awesome! Society has stopped pressuring young girls into starving themselves into waifs, and all the women are normal-sized now (thank God). Oh, and that tip that I promised earlier? Here you go: Google won.

Hat Tips:

IMDB, Businessweek, 23andme, PandoDaily, Image Credit: Flickr.

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