WHEN I AM QUEEN OF EVERYTHING

WHEN I AM QUEEN OF EVERYTHING

Adrienne BoettingerTuesday,15 January 2013

The Snap:

It’s about to get all real up in here because when I become Queen of Everything I will positively tear up any idiot who calls a woman fat. That’s right, Howard Stern, I’m coming at you. You, the male jurors from a study at Yale who were significantly biased against overweight female defendants, the duke of douchebaggery who bullied a local news anchor over her weight until she schooled his ass, and bosses who discriminate against overweight women; all of you better get ready. How you trick any woman into sleeping with you is beyond the powers of my considerable imagination but unless you are ready for the six-pack of whupass I’m prepared to unleash, you better load your brain before your shoot your mouth.

The Download:

According to an appalling survey from Glamour (typical articles: “10 Ways to a Toned Tummy” and “7 Ways to Make Him Happy in Bed”), women on average have 13 negative body thoughts daily and some even had somewhere between 35 and 100 daily hateful thoughts about their bodies. Now I’m not claiming that Glamour is a premier scientific journal but speaking as an actual woman who’s been obsessed with her weight all her life, the numbers aren’t that shocking. I once thought of carrying around one of those little clickers—like the ones carnies use to count how many people line up to puke on a tilt-a-whirl—to keep track of how often I think horribly about my body but it was so depressing that I had to eat some chocolate.

The average dress size for an American woman is 14. In case you are a dickhead or an idiot and can’t imagine what that looks like, Christina Hendricks has been rumored to be around that size (don’t kid yourselves, she is waaaaay too hot for you). Of course, it’s appalling that unlike what is said of male actors, the thing Internet users buzz about isn’t her mad skills on Mad Men but her size. In contrast, Israel is far ahead of America when it comes to celebrating realistic body sizes and in fact just drafted a law to prevent the hire of underweight fashion models.

Now, Mr. Stern, I’d have more words for you if Lena Dunham hadn’t already brilliantly laughed off your criticism of her as a “little fat chick” and congratulating her success by noting, “It’s hard for little fat girls to get anything going.” Plus after your years of disgusting behavior particularly toward women, frankly I have better things to do than to tell you what a jackass you are.

Besides, although you can park a car in the shade of my ass, I’ll apparently outlive your ugly skinny behind, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association. And now I’m gonna bust a move on out of here to this classic (and my favorite song to request at weddings): Baby Got Back.

Hat Tips:

SalonHuffington PostJezebelNY Daily NewsGlamourSF GateAPCNN, Image Credit: Flickr

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  1. […] the fashion industry and “news” organizations can recognize that the average woman is a size 14, and offer swimsuits that don’t make the wearers feel too ashamed to sit on the goddamned beach […]

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